Redemption

Thunder rumbled in the sky, the wind swirling around, and the rains a loud patter on the windows. The small bedroom was brightly lit, and a girl paced around barely paying attention to nature’s unending drama outside.

Raah mein un se mulaakaat ho gai

Jise darte the wohi baat ho gai

Ishq ke naam se dar lagataa tha

Dil ke anjaam se dar lagataa tha

Aashiqi woh hi mere saath ho gai

Jise darte the wohi baat ho gai

ahh ahhh ahhh

The melodious voice of Kumar Sanu and Alka Yagnik drifted from the tape recorder. Naina sat down on the bed, tears brimming in her eyes, as she heard the lyrics. It seemed as if they were written for her. From the day, she had almost collided with Sameer when she was 16 years old, her life had changed. She had fallen in love.

It is said that, being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, and loving someone deeply gives you courage. She had both. She was deeply loved by Sameer, and she loved him equally deeply. Then how is it that she had lacked courage? Almost three years ago, she had single-handedly destroyed the most precious relationship she had ever had in her life.

Her Sameer. Driven by a misconceived notion she had broken off her relation with him and tried to focus on fulfilling her family’s wishes. She had even given in to getting married to someone else, thinking that must be what was written in her fate. Even during that phase, Sameer had never really given up on her. He had borne the pain of separation, her hurtful words, reeled from the shock of hearing about her Roka, tried to hurt her, attempted to make her see sense. But she had given up. Coward, that’s what she had been. At that age, during that time, she had never even realized the extent to which she had broken Sameer. She knew he had faced a lifetime of rejection and loneliness, especially because of his mother. Her love had given him that solace that he was capable of being loved, was able to love, and that he would never be alone in his life. But what had she done? She had demeaned him, his love, looked into his eyes and said that her family was more important for her than her love.

God. What an idiot? After her roka with Sharad was broken, she had formed a cordial relationship with Sameer.  She still couldn’t name it. Were they friends? Acquaintances? What was it? Even after knowing and witnessing everything that Sameer had done, including beating Sharad for harassing her, she still hadn’t relented. Finally, he had given up and asked if they can be just friends. She had accepted, but now it seemed that had broken him more. For all these years in college, their relationship had become a series of hi, hello, and generic conversations. He never attempted to cross the limit she had explicitly stated. Instead, he had channelled his energies to his business, fulfilling one of Nanu’s dream. She loved him, but didn’t have the courage to stand up for him, and after everything that had happened she had thought that this normal bond was better for both of them. Once, college was over, anyways they would part ways. Only she hadn’t accounted on how miserable she would be without talking to him or seeing him.

It had been close to three months now since their college finished, and nothing made sense to her. She missed him every minute of the day. She realized that the love, that she had once thought, she had buried beneath layers of duties and responsibilities, was never gone. It had just been waiting to strike her with the pain that she had caused him. Sameer had never called her or tried to make any kind of conversation with her after college. It seemed to her as if he had rubbed off her name from his life. Had he? No, no. He loved her. They both loved each other, and now she understood that try as she could this love would never disappear from her heart and life.

But what could she do now? She had pushed him away herself. Not once, but repeatedly. It had hurt her when Sameer had stopped offering his handkerchief to wipe her tears, when he had stopped looking at her in classroom, when he had stopped trying to make her understand about his love, when he had reduced her existence to just another girl in his class. Yet, she hadn’t understood the loss she was bearing in her life, the grave she was digging for herself. Only now, when she couldn’t even see him anymore, did she realize that it was impossible for her to live without him. The semblance of friendship was also shattered now. And like the selfish person she had always been, she now wanted him back.

Yes, she had accepted how selfish she had been in their relationship. She had thought of him, but never really about him. In every difficulty, she had blamed him rather than standing along with him. Instead of being his emotional support, she had broken him emotionally. Never once, had she stopped and considered the impact of her words and actions on him. Did she even deserve him? She didn’t. But still, she wanted him. She wanted his love back in her life. For now she realized, that even her breath was futile if she couldn’t love him.

The rains drummed harder, the thunder clapping, and she turned her head towards the sound. Mildly surprised on seeing the downpour, she stood up and walked to the balcony door. When had it started raining so hard? She was so occupied in her thoughts that she hadn’t even noticed. She opened the door, and stepped out in the balcony, letting herself get drenched. When had she started going downhill? As the rains soaked through her dress, she closed her eyes, and her 18th birthday flashed in front of her eyes. That fateful day, she had kicked the ball of yarn, that had started rolling and unspinning the delicate thread of their relationship. The string was still unbroken, she knew, but it was now all over the place. Could she roll it back, and form the protective ball that could preserve their love? Did she have the courage now? She recalled the dreadful sight of her father trying to hang himself, of her brother declining his love, of her chachaji demanding a promise from her. She shivered, realizing that she still lacked courage. But strength? Hadn’t she always gained strength from Sameer’s love? Couldn’t she do that again, this time for him?

Tears spilled from her eyes, as she finally decided that she would try. Try, until Sameer refused point-blank to accept her back. She sniffed once, and then quickly wiped the tears. No, she wouldn’t cry. This was the pain she had caused Sameer, and she would bear it too. Until she succeeded in removing it from his life, she wouldn’t cry and seek relief. Turning her face upwards to the slashing rain, she decided how she would go about her journey of redemption.

She heard a worried voice from behind, “Naina, bheeg kyun rahi hai baarish me?”

Naina turned to her sister, a pale smile on her face, “Preeti, mujhe Sameer se milna hai.”

Preeti’s eyes widened in shock, and at the same time hope bounced in her heart. Had her sister finally understood? “Pehle andar aa”, she commanded.

Naina obeyed, and stepped back into the room. After changing clothes, she discussed her plan with Preeti, and mentioned that she would also need some help from Munna and Pandit which was a problem since they had almost stopped talking to her. Preeti who was always ready to support her sister, said that she would help arrange the meeting.

Two days later, Swati, Preeti and Naina waited impatiently at the temple for Munna and Pandit to arrive. The boys came in half an hour late just to spite Naina, but were taken aback when she mentioned her plan.

Pandit had an incredulous expression on his face, “tu chahti hai ke hum isme teri madad kare?”

“Dimag to thikane pe haina?”, Munna queried.

Naina pleaded, “please bas ek mauka maang rahi hun. Main jaanti hun maine kya kiya hai. Lekin sirf ek baar madad kardo. Agar Sameer mujhe khud dur jaaneko kahega to main chali jaungi, fir kabhi uski zindagi me nahi aaungi.”

Pandit shrugged, “woh bhala kyun jaaneko kahega, woh toh aaj bhi…”

Munna interrupted, cutting him off, “hum sochke batayenge.” And he dragged Pandit away from there.

Pandit’s unfinished sentence gave her some hope. If Sameer still loved her, even a fraction of what he did earlier, she would do everything she could to win him back. There had been a time when her heart had broken, when she had nearly stopped believing in love, and Sameer had stood by her, slowly healing her, making her believe in love again. Now, she would do the same. Another two days later, Munna called her up and informed that they were ready to help her, but also added the news that Sameer was preparing to shift to Mumbai forever. Naina felt as if her world tilted on its axis. No, no. He couldn’t go like this. She wouldn’t let him leave. Four days, just four days more, and she would be able to see him.

The morning of 24th July, dawned bright and sunny, and Naina went to the temple to pray. Today was the day when she would meet Sameer, his birthday. Probably the first of the many days she would need to convince Sameer, to redeem herself, but she promised that she wouldn’t give up this time. She would hold on to the strength of his love.

At Maheshwari Residence, Sameer packed his bag, unceremoniously dumping his clothes. He opened his desk, emptying the contents, and found Naina’s photo that he had stashed there, hoping that he wouldn’t miss her. Unfortunately, out of sight was not out of mind in this case. Why? Why did this happen to him? What had he done to deserve this? He knew that he had made mistakes in his life, but were they so grave that he deserved to be alone forever. He traced a finger over her photo, “bas ek baar. Ek baar bharosa kiya hota khudpe aur mujhpe, toh aaj hum saath hote.”

Suddenly the chorus of birthday song, drifted into his room, and he looked up to see his two friends dancing and clapping. They hugged him, wishing him and he smiled. In the dull world, that he had been stranded in, only his friends had stuck by him, trying to cheer him up. He smiled, but the smile had lost its sheen. He seldom laughed. Physically he was stronger, and emotionally weaker. The only way he had survived was to build the walls around his heart, solid than before, but he had still left an opening, a small one, with the hope that Naina would enter and heal him. But now, since the final year of their college was done, the last hope had vanished, and it was time to close that small door to his heart. But he wouldn’t be able to do that if he was here in Ahmedabad, within easy reach of her. He didn’t trust himself enough to not go seeking her, or to catch a glimpse of her. His yearning was too strong. He was afraid there could come a time, when he would beg in front of her too, and he didn’t want to do that. His love was strong, but so was his pride. If he begged and she rejected, or God forbid accepted out of pity, that would completely shatter from within. Then not only Sameer, but Sameer Jayprakash Maheshwari would also die. And he couldn’t let that happen. His only aim in life now was to fulfill Nanu’s dream.

Munna looped an arm over Sameer’s shoulder, “chal yaar, aaj tere liye ek surprise hai.”

“Kaisa surprise?”, he queried, “mujhe packing karni hai.”

“Aree packing baad me karlena. Apne dosto ke saath Ahmedabad me aakhri birthday mana le”, Pandit said opening his cupboard to bring out some clothes, “fir pata nahi aisa mauka hume kab milega.”

Sameer acquiesced, thinking they were right. Though he was in no mood to celebrate his birthday, he knew he would never come back to this place, so maybe he should do this for his friends. They went downstairs, and Munna blindfolded him, not answering his questions. They helped him sit in the backseat of his car, and then they drove off towards an unknown destination. They stopped somewhere briefly, and the other backdoor opened and closed. Sameer turned his head towards the sound, and held his breath. His heart nearly stopped thudding. Could it be? No. It wasn’t possible. He was dreaming. It can’t be Naina.

He sharply questioned Munna, “andar kaun aaya?”, and tried to unknot the blindfold.

The next instant he felt a soft touch on his hand, and his entire body stilled. He could recognize that touch anywhere. It was his Naina. But, what was she doing here? And if she was here, why didn’t she say something? His fingers trembled, seeking that touch again, wanting to reassure himself that it was not his imagination. He felt her fingers being entwined with his, and a minute later he held on, so tight that he heard her sharp intake of breath. He knew that his hold might be painful, but still he didn’t loosen it, and she didn’t ask him to.

The car drove steadily, and questions tumbled around his head. He lost the idea of time. He only knew that Naina was holding his hand, after three long years. Was this the surprise his friends were talking about? One last meeting with Naina. Was that it? Oh God. How would he survive? Since the last three months, he had slowly killed his every desire, every wish, every hope. And now, just one touch of her evoked everything again. How was he supposed to survive going away from her again? How would he bear another rejection? But, if this really was the last time he was meeting her then he would grab on to the opportunity with both hands, because he knew that after she walked away today, Sameer would die forever, only Sameer Jayprakash Maheshwari would survive.

The car stopped and Naina helped him out, she guided him somewhere and made him sit. When she tried to pull back, he tightened his hold even more. She patted his shoulder with her other hand, “main abhi aati hun, promise.” He took a deep breath on hearing her gentle voice, daring enough to trust her promise, and let go of her hand, immediately feeling bereft of her warmth.

He sat still, listening to the low voices and sounds; it seemed they were making several rounds. He heard Munna and Pandit’s voice, and frowned in confusion. Were his friends talking to Naina again? Since when? After another few minutes, Naina came up to him, and stood in front of him. She bent, and looped her arms around his neck, to open the blindfold, and her soft hair caressed his cheeks. The fabric unknotted, and she wished, “Happy Birthday Sameer.”

Sameer slowly opened his eyes, to look at her, and his breath left his lungs in a whoosh. She was wearing a saree, his Nani’s saree, the orange and green saree that Nanu had sent for her as a blessing, the one that he had placed on her head himself. But why was she wearing this? This saree was a symbol of their relationship, of the future that they were supposed to have. But, now they won’t, because of her. Why did she wear it? To mock him? Or was she going to return it to him?

Suddenly anger coursed through him, and he trembled. He stood up, pushing her aside, and walked the few short paces to a railing. Gripping the cold iron bar hard, he closed his eyes, trying to control himself. He would not cry. He would not beg. When he opened his eyes again, he realized that they were at the same place where he had brought Naina for her 18th birthday. The day that had changed everything.

He turned to her, eyes flashing in rage, “yahan kyun laai ho mujhe?”

She took a deep breath, much calmer than he expected her to be, “kyunki yahi woh jagah hai jahan se sab badal gaya tha.”

He scoffed, “toh tum mujhe yaad dilana chahti ho? Koi zarurat nahi hai. Teen saal ki har baat yaad hai mujhe, aur zindagi bhar nahi bhulunga. Tumhe taaza zakhm dene ki zarurat nahi hai. Ab tak jo kiya woh kaafi tha.”

She walked towards him, “mujhe bhi teen saal ki har baat yaad hai. Isiliye toh yahan laai hun, taaki woh kissa ek naye sire se likh sake.”

His eyes narrowed in confusion, “matlab?”

“Matlab jo kissa mere birthday se shuru hua tha usne hum dono ke rishte ko bikher diya”, she sighed, “maine socha ke shayad aaj tumhare birthday se yeh kissa firse likh sake hum, par iss baar nateeja kuch aur ho.”

Sameer looked around him, and saw balloons tied to the trees, a rug was spread on the ground and a picnic hamper sat on it. The scene was very similar to what he had organized for her. He clenched his fists, “itna aasan lagta hai tumko yeh sab? Jab chaha mujhe dur jaane ko bol diya, aur aaj man hua to firse nayi love story likhni hai?”

Naina came to stand beside him, “nahi. Aasan nahi hai. Ise meri bewakufi kaho ya khudgarzi, lekin teen saal lag gaye iss baat ko samajhne me ke uss din maine kitni badi galti ki thi. Ya fir yun kaho ke shayad samajh gai thi, lekin kaayar thi, sweekar nahi kar paai apni galti. I…I am sorry.”

He fumed, unable to control his anger. It had been too long, much too long since he had buried every emotion, acting as a monotonous businessman. He had redirected his energy, but his anger flared hot and red. He gripped her shoulders, turning her to him, “meri taraf dekho. Kya lagta hai tumhe? Tum aaj aake maafi mangogi aur main tumko maaf kar dunga.”

She trembled in his hold, her face going pale on seeing his anger. He felt a surge of satisfaction; she had tormented him so much, so she deserved to suffer too. But, even in the haze of anger he noticed the determination in her eyes. She visibly controlled herself, squaring her shoulders, she replied, “mujhe bilkul nahi lagta ke tum mujhe maaf kar doge. Lekin fir bhi main koshish karna chahti thi, aur karti rahungi.”

His fingers tightened on her shoulders, “kab tak? Jab tak tumhare gharwale koi naya Sharad nahi dhund lete?”

Her lips quirked in a sarcastic smile, “koi kuch nahi dhundega mere liye. Aur main tab tak koshish karti rahungi jab tak tum khud mujhe mana nahi kar dete. Fir chahe isme meri puri zindagi hi kyun na beet jaaye.”

Sameer fired her with multiple questions, “Achcha? Aur tumhare gharwale? Woh naya rishta kyun nahi dhundenge? Kisiko dhund liya toh tum firse mujhe chodke chali jaogi, apne parivaar ki khushi ke liye?”

She hesitated for a moment, then said, “main kabhi kisi aur se shaadi nahi karungi, tum chahe mujhe maaf karo ya naa karo. Main kar hi nahi sakti. Tumhare alawa koi aur mere kareeb aaye woh bhi mujhe bardaasht nahi. Rahi baat mere parivaar ki, toh tum kaho toh main aaj hi unse yeh sab kehneko taiyar hun, bina kisi shart ke.”

The tiny kernel of hope that he had preserved in his heart for all these years, took root and grew. He swallowed, his anger subsiding a little, but he still wanted to let her know how much hurt he had tolerated. So, he left her shoulders, and stepped back, turning away from her, he informed, “main kal Mumbai jaa raha hun, hamesha ke liye.”

She stumbled, her hopes dying on hearing his final words. She had thought if not forgiveness, she could at least convince him to give her a chance. But he was not willing to even give her that much. And why should he? She had left him alone for so long, that she had finally lost him. Her love, her life, everything she was living for, was gone forever. Her eyes drifted shut, her body turning numb, and she collapsed.

Sameer heard her sharp intake of breath, and then nothing. Frowning he turned to look, but she wasn’t standing there anymore. He looked down, and was horrified to see her sprawled at his feet. “Naina!”, he exclaimed and crouched in front of her, shaking her. There was no response. Oh dear God. What had he done? How could he hurt her like this? For three years, he had borne every brunt, staying strong, and still trying to make her happy, hoping that one day she would return to him. And today, when that day had finally arrived, when she had accepted all her faults, laid her soul bare for him to see, he had turned away and killed her hopes. His anger had caused this disaster. No, no. He couldn’t lose her like this.

He ran to the picnic hamper, frantically searching through it, and snatched the bottle of water as soon as he saw it. Returning to her, he sprinkled some on her face. “Utho Naina, please”, he murmured.

After a few minutes, her eyelids fluttered, and she mumbled something. Sameer bent to listen what she was speaking, and heard her repeating his name over and over. The tears he had held back, now spilled from his eyes. Naina opened her eyes, and saw Sameer leaning over her, crying. Why was he crying? And then she recalled his words about leaving. An expression of horror dawned on her face, and she lifted one hand, to… she didn’t know… maybe touch him one last time. But he caught her hand, and pulled her up, straight into his arms.

She stiffened, as he enclosed her in his arms, she felt as if she was dreaming. Why was he hugging her? Wasn’t he leaving? But if he was, then she wanted to savour this. She would steal the sweet moment, and preserve it for her lifetime. Slowly she wrapped her hands around him, burying in his chest. Desperately she tried to register and record everything in her brain – how he felt, his smell, his warmth. She would only have these memories for herself.

Sameer felt her trying to come closer, and he tightened his arms, pulling her completely against him. None of them knew how long they sat there in each other’s arms – one trying to heal the loneliness he had endured for three years, the other trying to save memories to be able to endure the loneliness of a lifetime.

“I am sorry”, she murmured, hiccupping slightly.

“Shh”, he turned his head to press his lips in her hair, “I love you Naina.”

She stopped crying instantly, her body tensed, as she drew back and tilted her head back to look at him. He smiled down at her, “tum nahi bologi?”, he asked.

She gulped, “I…I l…love you too Sameer.”

His smiled widened into a grin, and he pulled her back to him. He wasn’t ready to leave an inch of space between them.

“Sa…sameer… mum…mumbai”, she stammered.

He chuckled through his tears, “meri jaan yahan Ahmedabad me rahegi to main Mumbai me kya karunga? Main kahin nahi jaa raha.”

Naina clutched him tighter, sobbing into his chest, relief rushing through her veins. He held her and let her cry, his shirt absorbing her tears. Finally, after a few minutes, when her sobs subsided, he pulled back, and helped her stand up.

“Yeh picnic hamper sirf dikhane ke liye hai ya kuch khane ko bhi milega”, he teased.

She looked at him, taking in his features. Oh how she had missed his smile, his teasing, the freedom to talk to him, to touch his hand. But, now she could. And she wanted more from him, and also wanted to give more to him. She held his hand, “Sameer, mujhse shaadi karoge?”

His breath caught, every cell in his body springing to attention. Was it real? Naina was asking him to marry her? Finally, he would have her all to himself. He wouldn’t have to fear being away from her. He wouldn’t have to worry that her family would snatch her from him. The darkness that had enveloped him for three years, rose inside him, black and venomous, and broke like a wave against her gentle strength and love.

Sameer lifted his hand, and stroked her hair, tucking the loose strands behind her ears. He cupped her face with one hand, and slid the other arm around her waist, touching her bare flesh. A wave of possessiveness swamped through him, as he pulled her to him, and dipped his head. She didn’t object, instead lifted herself on her toes, clutching his shirt, and met his lips. He tentatively brushed his lips against her quivering ones, slowly tasting each one at a time. “Hum kal hi ghar pe baat karenge shaadi ki”, he murmured against her lips. Her palms slid over his chest and shoulders, and she wrapped them around his neck. She opened her mouth to him, gave in to his touch, and accepted his passion. With a groan, he deepened the kiss, claiming her mouth, claiming her. The kiss filled the bleak emptiness inside them, penetrated the darkness, brought in new hope, new promises, and shattering pleasure. A baptism of tears, of fire, of light. Redemption.

Sameer lifted his mouth from hers, panting for breath. She collapsed against him, her head resting on his chest, her breath coming in shudders. He held her, kissed her hair, felt his own heartbeat slow. And, for the first time in three years, he felt bliss.

They spent the day cherishing the newfound freedom, the renewed relationship. Naina had somehow managed to make a cake for him, and he blew the candles wishing for a lifetime of togetherness. The fed the sweet chocolate cake to each other, and talked about anything and everything under the sun, both basking in the ordinariness of their conversation. They danced to the tunes of their favourite Bollywood songs that Naina played on the portable tape recorder. Sameer stared at her beautiful face, though the dark circles indicated the sadness and stress she had gone through, the radiant smile on her face indicated the lightness in her heart. And he was sure, he had a similar smile on his face. He couldn’t resist, pulling her in his arms repeatedly, wanting to feel her softness against him, and she never protested, each time she cuddled into his warmth.

When Munna and Pandit came to pick them up later in the evening, they knew within a second that everything was alright in their small world again. Sameer sat in the backseat, with Naina pressed to his side, her head on his shoulder, as she fell asleep. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, “main hamesha tumhare saath rahunga”, he whispered the promise, and then tilted his head, resting his cheek on her hair. Something inside him seemed to ease as he found his life’s purpose back. Then, at last, he too, fell asleep.