Only Mine
Chapter 9: Uniquely Different

The melodic tunes of Pehla Nasha kept reverberating in two hearts for quite a few days as both Sameer and Naina kept on trying to decipher the range of emotions they had experienced that day.

Naina kept thinking about the way he had looked while playing guitar, she had always known that he was handsome but never had it affected her like it had that day. It was not just how he looked, but specifically how he looked in that moment. There was such serenity on his face that all she had wanted was to sit and stare. She remembered how her heart seemed to match to the tunes his fingers were playing, as if he was not controlling the strings of the guitar but even the beating of her heart. After that day whenever she would look at him she felt as if her heart missed some beats, as if her heart didn’t know which rhythm to catch because he hadn’t told it yet.

Sameer wondered often why he had done what he had done that day. Nanu, Munna and Pandit were the only ones who had ever heard him play guitar. He had never even participated in any music competition even though Nanu had insisted it quite often. It was not like he was afraid of playing on stage, or had apprehension about how it would turn out, but music for him had always been a companion in his loneliness. Whenever he was upset, confused or lonely he would play guitar or listen to music. Nanu had naturally heard him often because he was the one who had introduced him to music, and then Munna and  Pandit were an integral part of his life so it was natural that they had heard him too… But Naina… It was not necessary for him to even tell her that he played guitar, let alone play it for her… But somehow he had wanted to.

That day when he had seen Naina watch him with Tanvi, he had been afraid that she would misunderstand, and had decided to give her a treat… When he had gone to fetch her, for some time he had just stood and observed the way she was staring at her own hand as if trying to decipher something. After so many trips to PVKM, he had understood that life for them was too simple, girls rarely mingled with boys, any such friendship was usually frowned upon, teachers were on the lookout for such things, and also that they associated a lot of importance to simple things in life… This made it normal for Naina to associate importance to their handholds. While in his school, given the social strata the students came from and their upbringing, friendship between girls and boys was normal. Tanvi was an anomaly for him, he had simply started to dislike her advances, but that didn’t mean he was not friends with any other girl. Yet, Naina was different… He understood her limitations, yet after the first almost accidental handhold he had never thought twice before holding her hand. And the way she had held his hand after he had played guitar for her, that had not just surprised him but also made him extremely happy.

He couldn’t help but notice that the guitar incident made Naina the fourth person in his life who was now privy to his music and also the fourth person to whom he had ever apologized. Did that mean something? Or was he associating too much importance to the happenings? After all, Naina didn’t even know him well… In fact, he could safely say that she knew nothing. The only time she had ever asked personal question was about the hostel thing, which he had clearly conveyed that he wouldn’t talk about, and she had been okay with it. That was the crux… wasn’t it… Their relationship was superficial, only based on pranks and sporadic conversations. It was like a bottle of jam, sweet and delicious till the time it lasted, but there would come a time when it would be empty, and then he would forget that jar and buy a new one. Surely, the 12^th grade was the final stage of the “bottle of jam relationship” they shared, after this they would both forget each other and move on, so he should just enjoy things till it lasted. And maybe few years down the line he would fondly remember the unnamed relationship he had once shared with the strangest girl ever – two pigtails and bright big hypnotic eyes – that’s how he would remember her.

Unknown to Sameer there were three more parts in his life where he had let Naina enter, and even she didn’t know that. The first was his room, which till date he protected as fiercely as a tiger protecting his territory, but Naina had breached that border successfully only ending up in making him smile instead of angry. The second was his Nanu, whom he had unknowingly shared with her by not feeling possessive or anxious when she had pulled him away in the classroom, he had just gone with the flow and let her do what she wanted without feeling insecure. And the last and final one was his diary, where he poured out his heart; this was one aspect which even Nanu, Munna and Pandit didn’t know, but Naina was now part of its pages. As he slept on his bed, oblivious to the moonlight drifting in the room, the pages of his open diary fluttered to reveal the latest addition he had written two days ago on the day he played guitar for her.

I remember the day we met,

The first time I saw fire in a woman,

I remember your eyes when you turned to look at me,

Radiant and pure they were yet left me with a burning sensation,

I remember waiting for you to give up,

But you proved to be the devil’s incarnation,

I remember trying to crack your mystery,

And then forgetting everything in surprised elation,

I remember your touch,

So warm, soft and full of affection,

I remember trying to forget and yet wanting to remember,

I remember trying to let go and yet seeking more,

I remember the raging storm and also the gentle drops of rain,

Is that how the effect is of the enigmatic creation named woman?

When he got up in morning, yawning and stretching, he smiled, shaking his head at his diary and hid it in its usual place. If only he knew that closing the pages of diary wouldn’t equate to closing his heart. But he pushed aside his thoughts of Naina and his unnamed relationship and decided to focus on the preparations for fair, not to mention today was the qualifying match between St. Peters and another school. He was sure they would win, and while taking his morning shower, somehow he wished that Naina would come to wish him luck. But that didn’t seem possible as the match was not in St. Peters ground, but rather they were using the community playground today.

Picking up Munna and Pandit, he drove the bike towards the community ground, taking an extra turn to pass in-front of Naina’s society hoping against hope that he would catch a glimpse of her. But he didn’t get lucky, and sighed thinking that maybe he could give the good news of his win to her later in the afternoon.

Sameer discussed strategy with his team and then sat down to put on his gear, his thoughts wandering to Naina once again. He didn’t even notice the cheers from the stadium. Sighing, he stood up, “alright, let’s go team.” As his team filed out, he picked up his bat to inspect it, holding it at eye level and moving his hand over the edge, when suddenly he spotted a blur of blue. Blinking his eyes, he lowered his bat, and his mouth fell open in shock. Naina was standing at the door, grinning at him, and he blinked his eyes several times, shaking his head, thinking that he must be dreaming.

“Hi Sameer”, she stepped inside the room, and his heartbeats sped up.

It’s not a dream!

No it wasn’t. She was right there, just a foot away, and looking up at him with those big eyes of hers. He raised his gloved hand as if in a trance and lightly touched her cheek. She gasped, and it made him snap out into reality. “Naina”, he breathed, “you are here?”

She smiled, “yes… we all are.”

He frowned, “all?”

She took his hand guiding him to the window at the end of corridor and he gaped at the sight. One side of the stands was full with St. Peters students as expected, but along with them he could see PVKM students as well. He turned to look at her, “what’s all this?”

“Good luck”, she smiled, holding up a small box filled with sweetened curd.

The happiness that bloomed inside him was so overwhelming that he raised his hands to enclose her in his arms, and he would have done so too if she hadn’t shrieked that he would spill the curd. He lowered his arms, but stood there with a wide grin on his face as she scooped up a spoonful of curd and fed him.

Unknown to both of them, the sight was witnessed by Nanu who smiled and left to sit along with the teachers. It did seem like his move to get the two schools to be together for the fest was working pretty well. Now if only these two kids would see what he could see in them.

Needless to say St. Peters won the qualifying match, and over the next week they also won the semifinal, and were ready to move on to finals. Keeping the sportsmanship spirits up, St. Peters had gone to cheer for PVKM in the semifinals when they played against another school. Everyone thought that this time too the final match would be between PVKM and St. Peters; however the semifinals stopped the winning streak of PVKM. Still they sportingly decided to support St. Peters for the final.

The debate competition was tough this time, yet Naina managed to secure the winning position. This time Sameer didn’t hide and watch her, rather he sat in the audience with Munna, Pandit and Nanu, and when she won the three friends ecstatically hugged each other. By the time she came down from the stage, he was ready with a huge chocolate to congratulate her. She took the dairy milk from his hand with a puzzled smile, “what if I had lost?”

“Impossible”, he scoffed, “I have never seen anyone speak the way you do.”

“Today is the only time you saw me speak”, she suggested.

His eyebrow quirked and he smiled but didn’t tell her that he had come to see her last year too. In order to divert her attention, he snatched the chocolate back from her hands, and opened the wrapper, holding it in front of her lips, gesturing her to eat. She smiled, and took a small bite out of it, and then she held his hand to lift the chocolate up to his lips. He acquiesced, sharing the chocolate with her. On the third bite, some of the brown chocolate smudged on her pink lips, and his gaze riveted on it. He didn’t even notice that she was again holding the chocolate for him, until she said, “Sameer, what are you staring at? Eat.”

He hummed, ignoring the chocolate bar, and slowly lifted his hand, using his thumb to wipe the chocolate smear from her lower lip. Her eyes widened, and she shivered, wondering what was this new sensation that she felt. He had this insane urge to lick his own thumb, tasting the chocolate that he had picked off of her lips, but he controlled at the last moment, wiping his hand on his handkerchief.

Over the next week as they all prepared for the fair, Sameer and Naina were okay when they were with everyone, but as soon as they were alone at their home or at any other time they would think back to their moments.

Was he about to hug her really?

Why did he wipe the chocolate like that?

What was this urge that they kept feeling?

None of them had any answer, Naina would classify them as things that must be normal for Sameer even though they were new for her, and Sameer would classify them under the “bottle of jam relationship” label that he had come up with.

The preparations for the fair were going on full swing, they had found two sponsors for the  event, and the teachers had helped find the contractors who would set it up. They were using the sprawling area of St. Peters for the fair, and since the last two days the student panel was designing the banners in the activity hall of PVKM. Sharing food and drinks had become so natural for Sameer and Naina that they didn’t even notice it, but their friends noted and so did Nanu on his visits. They saw how Naina who would always drink goldspot bought cola because Sameer liked it more, and she knew he would share from her bottle. They observed how Sameer would always leave half of whatever he was eating and slide the dish to Naina who would accept without any qualms. Once they were surprised when Sameer ordered a cola, but then returned it grabbing a goldspot instead, and when Naina asked him he said that sometimes they can share what she likes too. It didn’t occur to either of them that if their choices were separate they can easily buy two bottles, but they chose to adjust with what the other liked.

However, being so close to Naina everyday also messed up with Sameer’s brain, or so he thought, because there would be a strange burning sensation inside him whenever Sanjay would strive for Naina’s attention. He had even told Munna that he might be getting the problem of acidity and should reduce his samosa intake, and he didn’t know why his friends had laughed at that. Today again they were at PVKM, and the banners would be finally done today. He was extremely happy because when he had told Naina that he couldn’t eat samosa owing to the supposed acidity problem she had also agreed to stick to vegetable sandwiches for a few days. But his happiness was short lived as Sanjay came in with a big box in his hands, saying he had bought samosas for everyone. Sameer refused, he thought Naina would refuse too, and she did so, but when Sanjay insisted several times she picked one up, thanking him. He glared at her. He still might have controlled his anger, but Sanjay chose that moment to touch Naina’s hand lightly to thank her for accepting his request. Sameer felt certain that smoke would come out of his ears anytime, and to avoid any spectacle he left from there. He didn’t know why he was so angry, after all if he thought logically she was only being polite, she had not bought it herself. But still… what was the need to be polite with that boy? And why eat samosa when she had said she wouldn’t eat it as he wouldn’t be able to share? And who was this boy? What interest did he have in Naina? How dare he touch her hand? Didn’t he know that it was special for Naina and no one except him touched her?

How do you know that Sameer? How do you know it’s only you?

This thought increased the burning sensation inside his chest by a few degrees, but this time he didn’t resort to ways to soothe it, rather he sprinted up to the terrace of PVKM and pulled out the hidden pack of cigarette from his bag. Munna and Pandit followed him, hoping to explain, but when they tried to say something Sameer stopped them, “I don’t want to hear anything about her now… Would you give me company like always?”

“But we are in school”, Pandit said.

Sameer shrugged, pulling out the lighter, “we are not in our school. Besides I need it now.”

Munna and Pandit looked at each other once, and thought it was best to not give explanations for Naina now, and they nodded, accepting a stick each from Sameer. Together the trio smoked, and discussed weekend plans.

Naina moved from class to class, hoping to find Sameer. She hadn’t wanted the samosa, but hadn’t been able to refuse out of politeness. She had noticed how Sameer had glared at her, and had wanted to tell him that she won’t eat it, but just then Sanjay had taken advantage of her distraction and touched her hand. She had not liked it one bit, but there were so many students inside the room that she couldn’t do anything about it at that moment. However, she hadn’t anticipated Sameer’s reaction. Giving the samosa to Preeti, she had left to find him but was unable to do so yet. Where was he?

Just then someone called her name and she turned in surprise to see Sameer’s Nanu there. He smiled as he came up to her, “Hi Naina… How are you?”

She returned the smile, “Hello Sir. I am doing well. I didn’t know you would be coming today.”

“I had no plans”, he informed, “but there was something urgent I needed to talk with Mr. Pandey. How are the preparations coming along?” Truth to be told, he had nothing urgent, but he had the urge to see Sameer and Naina again, wanting to see for himself if the equation he had witnessed since so many days was still there or had evolved in some way.

Naina was about to reply, but for some reason her gaze moved to a distant movement, and her eyes widened as she saw Sameer blowing smoke in the air. Her words faltered, “uh… ah… its… its going well.”

Mr. Maheshwari was concerned, “Naina… what happened? Are you alright?”

“I am okay”, she spoke quickly, “please excuse me; I just need to go the washroom. Why don’t you go to the activity room to check the preparations?”

He nodded, “sure. Is Sameer there?”

Her eyes darted towards the distant figure for a moment before she lied, “yes… yes he is there with everyone.”

As soon as Mr. Maheshwari turned away, she rushed towards the terrace, panting as she climbed the stairs as fast as she could. Opening the door she stepped out to the terrace and the boys straightened in surprise. Munna and Pandit dropped their cigarettes, but Sameer held on to his, still glaring at her. Naina looked at him, hating the fact that he was smoking, and wanted to yell at him, but at the same time a niggling thought stopped her.

Why would he listen to you? Who are you?

No one… not even a friend. She closed her eyes for a moment, and then returned his glare, “maybe you would like to stop smoking here… This is school, and…”

He interrupted, “who are you to stop me? I am not Sanjay… My name is Sameer, in case you forgot.”

Her eyes narrowed, “I don’t care if Sanjay smokes or not. But you should stop now because Nanu is here.”

“What!??” He cursed, “shit… dammit…”, and flicked the cigarette over the parapet, waving his hand in front of his mouth to get rid of the smoke. Pandit picked up his bag, and searched for the packet of chewing gum, handing over one to each of his friends before popping one in his own mouth. By the time they were composed enough, Naina had left, and Sameer punched the parapet in irritation. What was this girl? First she behaved so well with Sanjay, and then came to warn him about Nanu.

I don’t care if Sanjay smokes or not. Did that mean she cared about you?

His mind swirled with thoughts as they stepped down the stairs, but soon his musings were interrupted by a loud sound, and they rushed to see students gathered outside a door through which smoke was billowing. Some of the teachers were also there, and others were rushing to the spot, including his Nanu.

Pandit patted a boy on his shoulder and enquired, “what happened?”

The boy replied in hushed tone, “there was a fire in chemistry lab.”

Some teachers used a fire extinguisher, thankfully the fire had not spread, and no students were inside, the damage to equipments was minor. The principal went inside followed by two teachers, holding handkerchief to their mouth, and the remaining teachers ushered the students down to the courtyard. People murmured speculating how the fire started; it was almost like an adventure. Sameer watched Naina at some distance, chatting with Swati, Preeti and Mansi, and wondered what she meant by the way she had asked him to stop smoking. And why was he so much bothered about that Sanjay?

The principal came down, had a chat with all teachers and Nanu, and then asked the students to line up. He said that after investigation they got to know that the reason of the sudden fire was a lighted cigarette, and he held up a stub to show them. Sameer’s eyes widened as the sudden vision of his own hand flicking the cigarette over the parapet popped in front of his eyes. He gulped, and looked at his friends who he knew had also understood immediately the reason of fire. And it looked so had Naina, as he saw her look at him, a disappointed expression all over her face. He felt horrible… He wanted to go up to her and tell her that he hadn’t intended it.

The principal was now asking the students to confess whoever had been smoking, but naturally all were silent. Suddenly he called out, “Naina, come here.”

Sameer stiffened, “why are they calling her? She doesn’t smoke.”

“Shsh”, Pandit hushed him, “of course she doesn’t… and you keep quiet otherwise everyone will know who it was.”

“But Naina…”, he stammered.

Munna interrupted this time, “she won’t be in trouble… relax buddy.”

Easier said than done, Sameer thought. He kept on fidgeting wondering why she was being called upon. If anyone doubted her, he… he… he won’t be able to bear it. He would confess, he decided.

The principal asked, “you called us first, didn’t you?” Naina nodded, and principal sir enquired further, “what were you doing near the lab?”

Sameer moved a step ahead automatically, but Munna and Pandit grabbed him. Naina gulped and replied, “I… I was going to the washroom, but the ground floor one was full, so I went to the first floor.”

“Did you see someone then?” Principal sir enquired, “someone smoking?”

Naina shivered a little, her hands fisted as she wondered what to say. She had never lied to her teachers directly. Just then Nanu stepped up to her, and placed a hand over her head, “Naina, don’t be afraid. Tell the truth… Have you seen someone? Or do you doubt someone?”

Sameer saw the dilemma and her internal struggle written all over her face, her eyes spoke volumes even though her lips remained sealed. He didn’t know what he feared at that moment the most, Naina being disappointed in him, or Nanu being disappointed in him… somehow both seemed to be of equal enormity to him. He watched as Naina took a deep breath and then looked up at Nanu, and she spoke clearly, “no sir… I didn’t see anyone. I don’t know if anyone was smoking.”

Nanu looked at her for a few moments and Sameer wondered if Nanu too could see the guilt on her face that was clearly visible to him. In that moment he felt lower than dirt… Naina had lied to her teachers, to Nanu… only for him… She had protected him even though he was at fault. As she stepped back in the queue behind Preeti, he didn’t fail to notice the tears glistening in her eyes.

Later when the students dispersed, he left his friends and rushed to find Naina. Hearing some voices he stopped outside a classroom. He overheard Swati asking, “Naina… don’t lie. I know you since childhood… You knew who was smoking… right? Was it Sameer?”

Sameer didn’t know how Swati had guessed, but he waited to hear what Naina would say. “Tell me”, Swati persisted.

Naina’s voice was loud and clear as she said, “why are you taking Sameer’s name? Do you even know if he smokes or not? Even I don’t know that then how would you… And yes, you are right, I knew who it was but I didn’t tell sir… What’s done is done. I know it was wrong, but I also know it was not intentional. What I know will remain with me… I can’t even tell you and Preeti. This secret is only mine.”

Swati huffed and left from the classroom, without seeing Sameer who had hidden himself behind a pillar. As soon was Swati was out of sight, he went inside the classroom to find Naina sitting on a bench, staring outside. It was clear that she was disturbed. He walked up to her, “Naina.”

She jerked, and looked at him, but instead of saying something she stood up to leave. He caught her hand, “Naina stop… I just want to thank…”

“Don’t”, she interrupted, “don’t thank me. I hated what I did.”

“I know”, he softly said, “please come with me.”

She shook her head, “I don’t want to.”

“I know”, he repeated, “but still… please… one last time. After that if you don’t want to talk to me I won’t force you.”

She thought about it for few moments, and he knew that she still wanted to refuse, but then she sighed and nodded, “where?”

He tightened his hold on her, “come with me.”

She followed him without any arguments as he guided her out of the school and towards St. Peters. Halfway there she understood where he was taking her, and wondered why that place again. Was he going to try and placate her again with music, she wondered as she saw the pond glistening far away. She wanted to ask him but remained silent even when they reached the edge of the pond.

He left her hand, and removed his bag from his shoulder. Opening it, he searched for a minute, and pulled out the box of cigarette. Her eyes narrowed as she saw it and then up at him. He was not looking at her, but at the box of cigarette, then he dropped the bag and started speaking, “I smoked for the first time when I was just about to turn sixteen. One of Munna’s cousins had come from Delhi, and he had brought some packs for us. He told us it was a trend in students in big cities as almost all boys in college smoked, so better start early. We tried it though not exactly convinced, but a few days together and we were singing to his tunes. I also want to move out of Ahmedabad, go somewhere else to study and work. With time, I thought I was preparing myself for future. And so…”

His hand fisted over the box, almost crunching it, “I hated hiding it from Nanu, but I convinced myself that it was for my future. I hated it when you classified me as bad boy that day in park, but I didn’t let it bother me. I hated it that I had started resorting to cigarettes whenever I was upset, and it no longer remained a one-off thing for me, but I convinced myself that it was okay, that I was still in control. But today…”

She kept staring at him as he stopped talking, wondering what he was up to and was surprised when he took a deep breath and threw the pack in the pond. She watched with astonished eyes as the pack flew in the air, and fell far away in the green water with a small plop. He narrowed his eyes, watching the small ripples the pack caused, and muttered, “today I need to be in control.”

He turned to her but didn’t meet her eyes, “I am sorry that I put you in a situation where you had to decide in favor of a lie. I cannot correct what I did, but if it matters at all, I promise that the pack of cigarettes will forever be at the bottom of the pond, and so will my habit of smoking.”

She was amazed at his words and action, some of her anger melted, and some guilt of lying also dissipated. Softly she let him know, “I didn’t eat that samosa.” He finally looked at her face in surprise, and she continued, “I never wanted to… but I couldn’t say no when he persisted. Anyways what I wanted to say is that… it matters. I didn’t lie only to save you Sameer… the other reason was your Nanu. He is very much respected in our school; I didn’t want to see him being ashamed because of his grandson in front of the school he had invested so much time and effort in.”

Sameer knew this reason too, somehow he had understood that the lie was as much for him as it was for Nanu, “I will tell him everything.”

“No”, she looked up at him, “Don’t do that… He would be disappointed. Just try and keep your promise and that would be enough for him as well.”

He thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. After a moment he said, “I am sorry Naina. At least say something…”

Her brows furrowed, “What?”

“Anything”, he suggested, “I have never seen you so silent. It is strange. Stomp my foot again if you have to, but don’t give me this silent treatment.”

She huffed, “I am giving the silent treatment? You left the activity hall without saying anything… and then on terrace you were snapping at me, reminding me you are not Sanjay… As if I could be confused.”

“He touched you”, he seethed, “I was standing right there and he held your hand… and… and… you didn’t do anything.”

She gaped at him, “what was I supposed to do? And why are you being so agitated? You keep holding my hand all the time.”

Frustrated he gripped her arms, pulling her close to him and up on her toes, as he hissed, “I am different.”

She swallowed, meeting his glittering gaze, his fingers burning her arms, and her body trembled slightly. Her palms had come to rest on his chest, and she could feel his heart beating in a staccato rhythm that seemed to match her own heartbeat. How was it happening? Didn’t her heartbeat match his guitar tunes? Why was it matching his heartbeats?

“Answer me”, he demanded even though he had not exactly asked any question.

Her lips trembled a bit as she whispered, “yes you are.”

He relaxed a bit, loosening his grip on her, but she was still so disoriented that she staggered, clutching onto his shirt. Immediately he slipped an arm around her waist, holding her steady, and she found herself looking at the base of his throat. Did his shirt always part like this? Was his throat always visible? How had she never noticed it before?

He wondered why she was so silent, “Naina… are you okay? Why are you so quiet? Are you scared?”

She blinked, his questions bringing her out of her reverie, “of course I am not scared. Why would I be scared of you?”

He asked, “then why are you so quiet?”

“I was thinking”, she blurted, and then bit her lip, thinking of a way out, “ah… about what should I do with Sanjay?”

Sameer tightened his grip on her waist, “stop thinking about him when you are in my arms.”

Her eyes widened as she realized that she really was in his arms… literally… and again. Her face flushed, and she struggled a bit to get out of his hold, naturally it didn’t work. Giving up, she panted, “I am not thinking about him… I am thinking what to do to him… I didn’t say anything to him at that time because there were so many students in the activity hall. But I have got to get back at him.”

“Of course we would”, he said, and loosened his hold on her, “tell me all you know about him, and this prank we play together… what say?”

She grinned and the light of another adventure sparkled in their eyes, this one where they were no longer adversaries but partners. The afternoon sun glistened on the green waters of the pond, as they both sat down to discuss their plan, oblivious to the world around them, and oblivious to the way destiny was slowly mapping a route between their hearts.