Love Me Tonight
Chapter 16: Threshold To The Future

January 1999 – Quite possibly the biggest event happening in the world was the launch of Mars Polar Lander by NASA on January 3rd with the aim to study the soil and climate near the South Pole on Mars. However, for Mrs. Naina Sameer Maheshwari the biggest event was when she had held her husband’s hand at Marine Drive on the first morning of the year while watching the sunrise and told him that she was ready to act on his plan for the future.

Sameer had kept his promise to her; despite sleeping extremely late on 31st December, he had still woken her up at 4:30am and asked her to get ready and then he had driven her to Marine Drive. The popular destination was empty that morning as most people were probably going to sleep late after partying hard. Only a couple of early morning joggers could be seen along the stretch. With their fingers linked together, they had waited to witness the dawn stretching over the horizon. And as the first nascent rays of sun had reached them, Sameer had lifted their joined hands and dropped a kiss on her fingers, confessing his love for her once again. It was in that moment of peace that she had decided that even if there was never a hope for her to forgive her own family; she would not keep Sameer away from his anymore. He had repeatedly told her about the importance of Nanu in his life and had also been confident in his assurance that Nanu would approve of her. She knew that there was a very high possibility that his Nanu would be furious and reprimand him for the way he had gotten married, that he might be disappointed in his grandson’s choice of a life partner, that he most likely would be upset with the news of her pregnancy especially that way it had happened. But still… If she remained scared and held back Sameer from divulging the news to his Nanu then the chances of receiving his blessing would keep lowering, as the disappointment could turn into resentment with the passage of time. And so she had told Sameer about her decision, taking him by surprise… She had seen his eyes widen in elation, but then he had controlled his hopeful expression and reconfirmed if she was sure of it.

She had taken a deep breath and assured, “haan… main sure hun. Mera apna parivaar kahin peeche chut gaya hai. Par ab main wahi cheez tumhare saath hone nahi de sakti. Jitna waqt hum chupate rahenge utna hi zyada dukh hoga Nanaji ko jab unhe pata chalega. Yeh sahi nahi hoga… Aur dusri baat… Jab tum unhe bataoge toh woh mujhse milna chahenge. Agle ek-do mahine me mere sharir me bahot se badlaav aayenge, achcha hoga agar Nanaji mujhe usse pehle dekh le.”

He had been perplexed, “aisa kyun? Aur kaise badlaav?”

The unintentional innocence in his question had made her smile, “mere teesra mahina chal raha hai Sameer… Chouthe ya Paanchve mahine se mera pet nazar aane lagega… Nanaji ko pata hona ke main pregnant hun, aur mujhe actually me waise dekhna, dono me bahot farq hoga. Isiliye hume der nahi karni chahiye.”

He had thought for some time and then conceded, “theek hai… yeh sab baate shayad tumhe zyada pata hogi. Mujhe pata nahi kyun pura bharosa hai ke main jab bhi Nanu ko bataunga woh hamare liye khush hi honge.”

She had taken a deep breath and prayed, “bhagwaan kare aisa hi ho.”

The two days after that had been his holiday as it was weekend, and he had managed to coax a list of places out of her where she wished to visit and had taken her to as many of them as he could. Seeing Haji Ali in all its glory with the sea waves crashing against the walls had exhilarated her, offering her prayers in Siddhi Vinayak had given her peace, haggling successfully for fruits and vegetables in Crawford market had filled her with delight, competing and winning in a pani puri eating contest against Sameer at Juhu beach had thrilled her, watching Sameer choose oxidized earrings and bangles for her from Colaba Causeway had made her heart thunder… All of these could be considered perfectly ordinary and yet they were extraordinary for her as it was the first time for her. It was made even perfect by the fact that Sameer had not discounted her wishes as lame but rather had chosen to fulfill each one of them with all his heart.

A week from the adventurous weekend, she sat in the living room with her second dish of the poha that Sameer had cooked that morning. Her hunger pangs had increased and now she felt like eating something at around 11am despite eating a filling breakfast. Usually when she would go to the library, Bhavna Tai would pack fruits and nuts for her, but given it was Saturday and Sameer had planned to cook her favorite poha for her, she had requested to make extra for her midday hunger pang. As she relished another spoonful, her eyes remained fixed on the door that she had never crossed. Ever since her discussion with Sameer about letting Nanu know about them, her mind had been occupied with ‘what-if’s’ when Nanu would visit. Honestly, there wasn’t a thing out of place at this house because Bhavna Tai was immaculate with her cleaning. However, she had thoughts about how it would look good if there were fresh flowers in some vases around the living room, and also that they needed a mandir. Her lone idol of Ganeshji sat on the table in the room she stayed in, but that was a temporary solution, wasn’t it?

Another dawning realization had been about how extremely odd it would look if she stayed in the guest room when Nanu was here. There would be questions about this and she had no idea how she would give clarification to Nanu when she hadn’t even been able to discuss this with Sameer. She had no doubt that Sameer would try to defend her and ask Nanu to not question her decisions, but she didn’t want that to happen… It would create unnecessary problems. And since then everyday she had stared at the dreaded door trying to gather courage and convince herself to let go of her apprehensions and step inside. It was just a room, she would tell herself, but she knew that it wasn’t… It wasn’t just a random room, it was a room that had changed her life, it was a decision that had changed her life, and now it was a step that would change her future. And so every day she tried to make up her mind and every day she failed spectacularly.

Sameer hadn’t talked to Nanu yet as he had got to know that Nanu was busy with a few key business meetings. But the coming week he would talk, and before that happened she had to overcome her fear and step in that room. She sighed heavily, keeping the empty dish on the coffee table. Bhavna Tai immediately came over to take the dish, and upon seeing her stare at the bedroom door again, she shook her head… It had been a week since this was happening and neither she nor her sahab could understand what was going on in memsahab’s mind. Another sigh rolled out of Naina and unable to control Tai asked, “aap roz uss darwaze ko dekhke kuch sochte rehte ho. Kamsekam sahab se toh keh dijiye ke baat kya hai.”

Naina was startled; she hadn’t realized that her actions had been so obvious. Not knowing what to say, she stated a partial reason, “main bas soch rahi hun ke jab Nanaji aayenge toh kya hoga.”

Bhavna Tai nodded, accepting her reasoning, as she knew of their plans, “bade sahab sirf ek baar aaye hai pehle. Jab sahab ne yeh ghar liya tha… Main toh tab nayi nayi thi, zyada janti nahi thi, lekin bade sahab bahot hi shaant swabhav ke hai. Aap itni fikar mat kijiye… Unko aap zaroor pasand aayengi.”

Naina let out a sad chuckle, “pata nahi Tai… main na sindur lagati hun, na mangalsutra pehenti hun… Sameer ke saath ek kamre me bhi nahi rehti… Kaunse gharwale aise honge jo mujhe sweekar karle.”

“Wahi jo aapko aur sahab ko aur aapke pyaar ko samjhenge”, Bhavna Tai assured, “aapko pata hai memsahab, main jab yahan kaam karne aayi thi toh mujhe laga tha Sameer sahab kisi ameer baap ke bigde hue bete hai, jinke paas paise zyada aur zimmedari kam hai… Kabhi kabhi unke kapdo pe lipstick ke nishaan dikh jaate the toh unki chavi aur kharab ho gai thi mere dimag me.”

Naina listened to this with wide-eyed surprise. There had been no one with whom she could talk about Sameer’s past. She didn’t even know that Bhavna Tai was aware of his ways… But then it made sense to her suddenly as Tai cleaned the house so of course she would have seen evidence of the girls he might have brought over. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know more, but she couldn’t stop the morbid interest that flared inside her brain. She craved information that she hadn’t dared to ask from Sameer yet. Oblivious to her state of mind, Tai continued, “lekin phir ek baar maine sahab ko unke mummy se baat karte hue suna… Main bas kaam karne ghar me ghusi hi thi aur Sahab ne phone speaker pe rakha hua tha… Koi maa itni berehem ho sakti hai main soch bhi nahi sakti. Unhone sahab ko bola ke woh bete kehlaane ke toh kya kisi bhi rishte ke layak nahi hai, aur woh unse nafrat karti hai.”

Naina’s heart ached for Sameer. She knew that his relationship with his mother was strained, he had even mentioned that his mother hated him, but she never knew that these words were told to him by his mother. She had thought it must be Sameer’s perception, but in reality, it was a fact stated by his mother herself. Tai sighed, “tabse sahab ke liye mera nazariya badalne laga… Jo inti kadvi baate sunke bhi chup rahe uss insaan ke andar kitna dard bhara hoga. Kehneko toh sahab ka pura parivaar hai lekin unke saath, unki khushiya ya dukh baatne wala koi nahi hai… Jab woh bimar hote hai toh unki fikar karne wala ya unka dhyan rakhne wala koi nahi hai… Aapko pata hai memsahab, agar kisi din main der tak rukti thi yeh sochke ke sahab aayenge toh unhe garam roti bana dungi, woh mujhe extra paise dene ki koshish karte the uss kaam ke… Unko yeh samajh me hi nahi aata tha ke kisiko unki fikar ho sakti hai.”

Naina recalled how elated he had been when she had asked about his favorite food, had surprised him by cooking things he liked… At that time she had thought his happiness had been because he had been trying to convince her of his love for her and her gestures seemed like a step towards that. But Tai’s tale made her realize that it had probably been the first time someone had done something like that for him without any ulterior motive, and that had been the reason for his happiness… She mused softly, “maine kabhi socha hi nahi ke Sameer ki zindagi me itni kamiya hai…”

Bhavna Tai nodded, “yeh ghar, unka business, unke paise, yeh sab dekhke kisiko bhi aisa lag sakta hai ke unke zindagi me sab sahi hai. Lekin sach kahu… main toh unko sahi maine me khush bhi tabhi dekha hai jab aap unki zindagi me aai… Kitna akelapan tha unki zindagi me… Aur woh chudail… Usne toh koi kasar baaki nahi chodi thi sahab ki zindagi aur kharab karne me.”

“Chudail?” Naina queried, “Kaun? Sakshi?”

Bhavna Tai nodded, “haan wahi… Naa baat karne ki tameez, na kapde pehenneka saleeka… Main toh soch hi liya tha ke agar woh sahab ki zindagi me rahi aur iss ghar me kadam bhi rakha toh main yeh kaam chod dungi.”

Naina gasped, “Sakshi yahan kabhi nahi aai?”

Tai shook her head, “nahi… pehle mujhe laga tha ke 16 October ki raat ko woh hi thi yahan pe… Par phir thode din baad sahab ne bataya ke uss chudail ne unhe chod diya hai, aur yahan aap aai thi. Achcha hua bata diya, warna main toh woh sab cheeze jala hi deti… ”

Shock made her speechless for a full minute, but then she slowly asked, “aapko kaise pata 16 October koi yahan aai thi?”

Tai chuckled, remembering sahab had asked a similar question to her, “sach me chote bachche hai aap dono… sahab ne bed pe se chaddar hata di agli subah… jaise mujhe pata nahi chalega… hamesha chaddar main hatati hun… phir uss din unhone kyun hataya? Aur phir car me aapka jacket mila… bed ke side wale table pe aapki kaan ki baliya aur bed ke neeche ek payal.”

Naina flushed scarlet, having totally forgotten about the things she had left behind. Tai continued, “sach kahu toh main heran hi ho gai thi… Usse pehle kabhi aisa nahi hua. Samajh nahi aa raha tha ke sahab ke liye khush hou ya uss chudail pe gussa karu.”

Perplexed Naina asked, “kya nahi hua the pehle?”

Tai informed, “sahab kabhi kisi ladki ko ghar nahi laaye… Aap pehli ladki hai jisne iss ghar me kadam rakha. Jab mujhe laga tha ke shayad woh chudail aai thi tab mujhe bahot gussa aaya tha lekin baad me sahab ne bataya ke woh aap thi… Aur aapki yaad me sahab bina kuch khaya, chhat pe bethke daru pee rahe the… Jab aapka saara samaan maine unko diya tab aapka jacket apne seene se lagake itna roye the mere saamne ke mere aankhon me bhi aansu aa gaye the. Aur uss din se main roz bappa se yahi prarthna karti thi ke aap unko jaldi se mil jao kyunki main samajh gai thi ke sahab ko zindagi me pehli baar sachcha pyaar ho gaya hai.”

Naina sat stunned at the revelations… Shock coursed through her nerves making her body go numb. Her mind reeled… She heard everything but struggled to make sense of it as everything was opposite of what she had presumed to be true. Her eyes moved towards the door again and a desperate sound escaped her… Half sob, half laugh… The sound made Tai look at her urgently and query, “memsahab… kya hua?”

“Sameer”, Naina demanded, “mujhe unse baat karni hai… Abhi…”

Tai immediately dashed to pick up the cordless phone, and dialled the number, offering the device to her. Naina grasped the phone as if it was her lifeline, and closed her eyes waiting to hear his voice… Barely one ring had gone through when he picked up, “hello… Naina?”

She breathed out softly, “Sameer…”

He had been in the middle of a meeting, but had immediately stepped out on seeing the number from his home. Worried, he asked, “kya hua sweetheart? Tabiyat toh theek hai na?”

She swallowed her sob, “ghar kab aaoge?”

“Jaldi hi…”, he assured, “ek-do ghante ka kaam bacha hai bas.”

“Abhi aa jao na”, she demanded, and then pleaded, “please.”

It didn’t even take a second for Sameer to think, because Naina never asked anything from him… This was the first time, and nothing in the world could have stopped him from fulfilling her demand, “okay sweetheart… main apna samaan leke 5 minute me nikalta hun yahan se… 20-25 minute me ghar aa jaunga.”

She smiled, “I will wait.”

Bhavna Tai was extremely perplexed, as she couldn’t understand anything. Taking the cordless back she asked, “sab theek hai na?”

Naina wiped her eyes, “kuch theek nahi tha Tai… par ab waqt aa gaya hai sab theek karne ka. Aap mujhe ek paper aur pen laa denge? Aur khana ban gaya ho toh aaj ke liye aap jaa sakte hai.. ”

“Lekin baki ka kaam”, Tai objected, “aur raat ka khana bhi toh…”

Naina interrupted, “raat ka khana main bana lungi baad me… Aaj mujhe mere pati ke saath thoda waqt akele chahiye… Kuch baate hai…”

Bhavna Tai looked at her face for a minute, and then nodded, “jaisa aap sahi samjhe memsahab…”

Exactly thirty minutes after Tai left, Naina heard the screeching of tires and rushed to open the door. Sameer was already out of the car, and halfway to the main door… Upon seeing her he covered the remaining distance at fast paced wide steps and cupped her face, “Naina… What’s wrong? Tumhe kuch hua toh nahi… Tabiyat…”

She held his right hand and tugged, “andar toh aao pehle.”

He stepped inside, blinking to adjust his vision as he had forgotten his sunglasses in his haste to leave office. She bit her lip, “sorry… maine tumhe kaam me disturb kiya aur aise ghar bulaya.”

He shook his head, “sorry bolne ki koi zaroorat nahi hai tumhe… Tumne pehli baar mujhse kuch maanga hai… mana karne ka toh sawaal hi paida nahi hota.”

She smiled, “phirse kuch mangu toh doge?”

“I would never say no to you”, he vowed, “tum jo mangogi dunga.”

Her smile widened, and she asked, “mujhe apni baaho me uthao na.”

He immediately swept her off her feet and in his arms, as naturally as if it was completely normal for her to demand such a thing. She looped her arms around his neck, holding on, “ab mujhe apne kamre me le chalo.”

Puzzled, he started to walk towards the guest room where she was living, but she stopped him, “guest room me nahi Sameer… uss room me… Hamare bedroom me.”

His heart skipped several beats at her demand and her words… Their bedroom… Did she really say that? He searched her face and repeated to confirm, “hamara?”

She looked in his eyes, nodded firmly, “hamara… husband aur wife ka ek hi room hota hai na?”

He closed his eyes for a second, gulping audibly and then let out a shaky breath. Opening his eyes, he adjusted her a bit and then slowly walked towards the bedroom, never once moving his eyes away from her face. As they crossed the threshold, she sucked in a breath and looked around… The room was supposed to be familiar but she hadn’t paid even an ounce of attention to it, all her focus had been on the man in her arms. But now she looked… The bed was huge… Probably a customized one with a light grey headboard, and a matching long footstool at the bottom. An opaque sliding glass door led to the dressing area and bathroom on the right. The left side of the bed was occupied with a small table and a large wingback chair and beside that was the sliding french door that opened into the backyard. The wall in-front of the bed sported a television unit sitting on a mahogany cabinet with multiple drawers… And finally the wall beside the bedroom door was adorned with a set of photographs that she couldn’t see clearly as of now.

Scrunching her nose she observed, “dressing table nahi hai room me.” He gaped at her, barely managing to choke out her name and she chuckled, “bed pe bethte hai.”

Still feeling as if he was daydreaming, he placed her gently on the bed, and sat beside her, his hands smoothing on the bed sheet, recollections of that night swirling in his mind. She too wasn’t immune to her surroundings, her breathing a little fast as she remembered those special moments. However, right at this moment the present was more important than the erotic night they had shared, she needed to talk to him… properly… It seemed even Sameer had thought the same thing because he gently queried, “Naina… tum… yahan…”

She linked her fingers on her own lap, looking down at her bare nails. She hadn’t applied nail polish since she had moved to Mumbai. It seemed she had distanced herself from every colour… Taking a deep breath, she shared, “haan… yahan… jahan mujhe pehle hi aa jaana chahiye tha. But I was scared… Aur wajah tumko batane ke liye shabd hi jod nahi paa rahi thi.”

He tilted his head, “maine bahot koshish ki sochne ki ke achanak tumne alag room ki demand kyun rakhi… itna toh main tumhe jaanta hun ke samjhu ke ghar bada ho ya chota usse tumhe koi farq nahi padta… Tum flat me bhi mujhe alag sula sakti thi shaadi ke baad, lekin bedroom me jagah tumne hi di thi. Phir yahan achanak kya hua main samajh hi nahi paa raha tha… Aur puchta bhi kaise yeh bhi nahi samajh aa raha tha.”

She nodded, “yeh room mere liye bahot special hai Sameer… Uss ek raat ne meri zindagi badal di thi… Lekin jab hum finally yahan rehne aaye tab achanak khayal aaya ke mujhse pehle bhi tumhari life me koi aur thi…”

He frowned in confusion, “main tumhe Sakshi ke baare me bata chukka hun… Phir kyun…”

“Relationship nahi”, she interrupted, “mera matlab… tumhara relationship aur one night stands ka pata tha… lekin… mujhe laga ke jaise uss din main yahan iss room me thi waise hi mujhse pehle koi aur bhi aayi hogi… Isi room me, isi bed pe… Isiliye meri himmat nahi hui wapas iss room me aaneki.”

He gasped, “Naina… nahi… tumse pehle iss room me toh kya iss ghar me tak koi ladki nahi aai. Sirf main aur Bhavna Tai… Ek baar Nanu aaye the… Bas… Mere office me tak kisiko yahan ka address nahi pata… Please trust me.”

The tremble in his voice clearly indicated his desperation to make her believe as well as his fear of her not trusting his love again. She shook her head, taking his hand in hers, “I know… I trust you. Itne dino se yeh baat mujhe khaye jaa rahi thi, par samajh nahi paa rahi thi ke puchu bhi toh kaise. Yaqeen maano, agar main puch paati aur tum mujhe yeh jawab dete toh main pura vishwaas karti tumpe. Lekin… aaj Tai se baat karte karte mujhe bina puche hi mere sawaal ka jawaab mil gaya.”

His brows furrowed in confusion and so she detailed out the discussion with Bhavna Tai. He listened patiently and when she finished he sat lost in thoughts, his gaze fixed on the wall in-front of him. When he didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, she followed his gaze to the wall… There were 5 photographs – one of his  Nanaji sitting on a white swing in a garden, another of himself with his Nanaji, two photos of him with his friends Munna and Pandit, and the last one was a photo of her… She blinked thinking she had mistaken, but even after rubbing her eyes the photo didn’t change. It was her… She recognized the photo… Her Chachaji had taken her and Preeti to get their photos clicked in order to find wedding prospects. But she and Preeti had kept a copy of each other’s photos. It seemed this photo was slightly enlarged… But how did he find it?

“Sameer”, she whispered, “yeh photo… meri photo…”

He took another minute before softly informing, “Ahmedabad gaya tha tab mili thi… Bataya tha na maine ke tumhe dhunde tumhare ghar tak pahonch gaya tha. Jhagda chal raha tha aur kisine yeh photo bahar pehnki… Mere paav ke paas aake giri toh main uthake le aaya. Waise bhi Preeti ke alawa aur kisiko nahi chahiye thi tumhari photo. Woh sabse lad rahi thi tumhara yeh photo rakhne ke liye. Original wali drawer me rakhi hai, uska frame tut gaya tha toh maine repair kardi. Socha kabhi Preeti se milunga toh usko lauta dunga… Lekin maine apne liye ek copy banwa li.”

She didn’t know what to say. Yes, he had told her of his visit to Ahmedabad for information about her. But she hadn’t asked for any details. Somehow, she was sure that nothing would affect her anymore, but upon hearing about Preeti she felt a sudden pang in her heart. She had always shared a strong bond with her sister, but that was one more thing she had given up. But if Sameer was to be believed, and she did believe him, then it seemed as if Preeti hadn’t given up on her. Maybe that was one more thing she needed to correct… but that could wait for some more time. Right now her focus was on Sameer and his silence… What was going through his mind? Had she hurt him once more? Just the fact that he had picked up the photo her family had thrown away and then hung a copy in his room showed his honesty in his search for her. He had said how much he had missed her, how hard he had looked for her, but those were all words… The photograph though… That was a physical evidence of his search. And suddenly she felt overwhelmed and extremely thankful that despite the way she had run away the next morning, he hadn’t given up on her.

“Thank you”, she choked. His eyes moved back to her, once more puzzled. She licked her lips as she tried to explain, “main yahan se tumhe bina kuch bataye bhaag gai, phir bhi tumne mujhe dhund ne ki koshish ki… Give up nahi kiya… Meri zindagi me wapas aaye… Uske liye thank you.”

He smiled softly, “Naina… Tum chali gai thi toh mujhe lagta tha jaise mere dil ki dhadkan hi gayab ho gai hai… Kaise na dhundta tumhe… It was impossible to give up.” They sat in silence for some time, both lost in their own thoughts. After a while, Sameer asked, “itna sab man me dabake kaise rehti ho Naina? Main tumhe zindagi ki har khushi dena chahta hun… Lekin samajh nahi paa raha ke agar tum mujhse kuch share hi nahi karogi toh main kaise tumhe khush rakhu. Kitne din ho gaye iss ghar me aaye hue, humne kitni baate ki, main roz guest room me aata tha tumhare saath sone… Ek baar… Bas ek baar kisi tarah puch liya hota… Main kabhi tumse kuch nahi chupata.”

“Maaf kardo mujhe please”, she pleaded, “main jaanti hum apne zidd me main tumhe bahot taklif pahocha rahi hun… Tumpe bharosa karke bhi main apne dil ki sab baate bol nahi paa rahi hun… Lekin kaise kahu… Itna kuch kho diya hai zindagi me ke darr lagta hai… kahin kisi sawal ke wajah se main tumhe na kho du.”

He sighed, inching closer to her and hugging her, “tum mujhe kabhi kho nahi sakti Naina… I love you… Chahe kuch bhi ho jaaye, chahe tumhare sawaal kitne bhi kadwe ho, main tumse alag nahi honewala. Kuch pal ruth sakta hun lekin tumhari khushi ke liye agar apna sab kuch kurbaan karna pade toh bhi kar dunga. I promise…”

Her hands clenched on his suit as she dared to confide, “mujhe jalan hoti hai… Unn sab ladkiyo se jiske saath tum the… Main nahi chahti thi ke unki koi bhi yaad meri uss raat ki yaado ko kharab kare… Tumhe share nahi kar sakti main Sameer.”

His heart thumped in elation at her words, “you never have to share me with anyone sweetheart. I am only yours… Forever.”

She hesitantly queried, “tum sach me Sakshi se pyaar nahi karte the?”

“Nahi”, he stated in a firm voice, “mujhe lagta tha woh pyaar hai lekin woh sirf ek convenience tha. Kuch batau apne past ke baare me toh sunogi?” She nodded immediately and so he continued, “main jab London padhne gaya tab main bahot dukhi tha aur immature bhi. Ahmedabad wala ghar mere mummy ne mujhse cheen liya tha… Unke wajah se main wahan apne Nanu ke saath nahi reh paa raha tha. Aise me mujhe wahan London me Shaili mili… She was born and brought up in London, aur wahan ke logo ke beech me fit hone ke liye usne apna naam Shaili se Shelly kar diya tha. Hum dono ki dosti tab hui jab usne mujhse padhai me help maangi. Classroom se kab yeh dosti bahar ki duniya tak pahonch gai mujhe pata nahi chala… Coffee peene jaana, movies dekhna… Woh mujhe London ghumane lagi.”

He fidgeted slightly and sighed as he toed off his shoes and slid back to lean against the headboard. Opening his suit button he turned the fan on and then gathered her in his arms once more, “Ek din movie dekhne gaye tab kisi scene me darke usne mera haath pakad liya aur phir poore movie choda hi nahi… Use ghar drop kiya tab usne mujhe gaal pe kiss kiya aur kaha ke she likes me. Main 20 saal ka tha… Anjaane sheher me itni achchi dost mil gai thi… Achanak main notice karne laga ke she is pretty aur hamesha khush rehti thi. Main bhi khush rehna chahta tha… Uski tarah… Isiliye jab usne mujhe dating ke liye pucha toh maine haan kar di. Ek week baad she kissed me on my lips… Mujhe toh aata bhi nahi tha kiss karna… I was so embarrassed, but she said she found it to be cute. Maine usko bola ke India me itni jaldi koi aage nahi badhta… But she laughed and said hum apne rules khud banayenge. Mere liye sab kuch naya tha aur uss age me shayad yeh attraction normal tha… Mere dimag me tab relationship yaane hamesha ke liye hone wala commitment… Isiliye jab teen mahine baad she initiated sex I didn’t stop her… Ek pal ke liye socha bhi nahi ke usko kaise aata hai yeh sab jab mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha tha… I let her take the lead that night… Mera first time tha, par jab subah utha yeh sochke ke Shaili ke saath pura din spend karunga tab dekha bed pe koi nahi tha… Boys hostel ke chote se bed pe maine apni virginity, apni respect aur apne values, teeno kho diye.”

She gasped, “kahan gai woh… Kyun…”

“Because I didn’t mean anything to her”, he stated, “college me dusre students se pata chala ke Shaili ke mujhse pehle bhi bahot boyfriends reh chuke hai… And I was just another boy she wanted to have… India se aaya hua, akele chup-chap rehne wala handsome ladka, jisko woh bas ek baar try karna chahti thi. Maine jab usse baat ki toh she laughed at me… She said I was a fool ke maine socha ke 20 saal ki umar me koi forever wala pyaar karega. She just wanted to have fun… Bas main virgin tha isiliye usko thoda time laga mujhe sex ke liye convince karne ke liye. She told me ke usne college me baat faila di hai ke I am no longer a virgin toh ab I can have fun with other girls.”

He squeezed his eyes shut at the recollection of those traumatic days, “I was so heartbroken… Maine pehle use apna dost aur phir apni girlfriend maana… Hamesha usko respect di… Lekin usne mujhe cheat kiya… Jhooth bola mujhse… Main sochta tha ke main sirf uss ladki ke saath sexual relationship rakhunga jiske saath main apni puri life bitaunga… Lekin Sakshi ne jhooth bolke mujhse woh haq chheen liya. You know… mujhe toh condom pehenna bhi nahi aata tha. She made me wear it. Sharam aa rahi thi mujhe apne aap pe aur gussa bhi… Baat aisi thi ke Nanu ko bhi nahi bata sakta tha… Munna aur Pandit se share karne me sharam aa rahi thi… Isiliye apne dard ko bhulane ke liye main sharab peene laga. Tab bar me maine notice kiya ke wahan pe ladke-ladkiyo ke liye common hota hai yeh sab… Aaj kisi ke saath toh kal kisi aur ke saath… Sab waise nahi the lekin uss waqt apne dard aur sharab ke nashi me main yeh baat samajh nahi paaya. Ek week aisa chala aur phir maine bar me ek ladki ka hook-up ka proposition accept kar liya. We kissed on the street behind the bar and she told me about the one-night stand rules… Yeh silsila wahi se shuru hua. Shaili ko bhulane me teen raat aur teen ladkiya lagi… Tab samajh aaya ke Shaili sach bol rahi thi… I was a fool jo uss relationship ko pyaar ka naam dene laga tha.”

The harsh reality he presented and the unforgiving words he chose for himself made tears leak from her eyes. He determinedly continued, “maine sab kuch bhulake padhai pe wapas dhyan dena shuru kiya… Sharab peena kam kar diya… Aur bar me kabhi kabhi jaaya karta tha… Sach bol raha hun Naina uss teen raato ke baad maine sabse pehle hospital jaake apne check-up karwaya kyunki unn ladkiyo ke naam ke alawa mujhe unke baare me kuch nahi pata tha. Maine decide kar liya ke yeh relationships jaisa kuch nahi hota. Sab bas kehne ki baate hai… Next ek saal tak main kabhi kabhi clubs ya bar me se kisi ladki ke saath jaata tha… Same rules that were taught to me. Ginti nahi rakhi hai lekin itna bata sakta hun ke kuch mahino me ek baar jaata tha… Apni zaroorato ke liye itna toh kar sakta hun main, aisa soch leta tha. Phir graduation khatam karke Ahmedabad aaya jahan meri so-called maa ne mera jeena haram kar diya, isiliye main Mumbai aa gaya… SJM setup kane… Mujhe laga tha India me London jaisi open minded ladkiya toh milegi nahi… But I was wrong. Mumbai me kaafi ladkiya thi… Lekin mera focus SJM pe tha… Frequency kam ho gai, lekin jab kisi ladki ke saath time spend kiya toh bas one night hi kiya… In fact puri raat bhi nahi, sirf kuch ghante… Paise the nahi jeb me uss waqt lekin bhagwaan ne shakal achchi de di… Ek hi nayi shirt thi mere paas, usko pehenke kisi bar me pahonch jaata tha. SJM kamyab hota gaya aur mere me woh difference dikhne laga… Kapde zyada stylish ho gaye, mehengi ghadi aa gai kalai pe, aur jeb me credit card. Business ke pressure ne pub visits kam kar diye, lekin social circle bada kar diya… Aise hi ek party me mujhe Sakshi mili… Poore party me mujhse flirt karti rahi aur jab maine saath nikalne ki baat ki toh usne turant haan kar di. Woh mujhe apne friend ke apartment me le gai. I thought bas wahi end tha… Just that night… Lekin do hafte baad who wapas mujhe ek party me mili… I tried to ignore her… Lekin usne kaha bas ek aur raat… Main maan gaya. Phirse wahi apartment me gaye… Teesri baar hum ek coffee shop me takraye, aur usne kaha ke aisa lag raha hai ke kismat use baar baar mujhse milana chahti hai. Woh apna coffee leke mere table pe beth gai aur mujhe apne baare me batane lagi. Jab maine pucha ke yeh sab kyun bata rahi hai toh usne kaha ke main kaafi attractive hun, aur hamesha bar me naye ladke dhundne se better hai ke woh mere saath hi yeh arrangement fix kar de… Jab dono ka mood ho tab usi apartment me mile… That’s it… No other commitment. Maine thoda sochke haan bol diya kyunki jaise jaise mera business badhta jaa raha tha utna difficult hota tha mere liye kisi bar me se kisi bhi ladki ko apne saath kahin le jaana… How could I be sure ke usko wakai me nahi pata main kaun hun… Ya phir woh kisi competitor ya business associate ki pehchaan wali nikli toh… Maine Sakshi ko apne identity ke baare me bataya toh usne haske kaha ke jis din girlfriend banana ka mood ho uss din gift lekar aa jau… Sex ke liye zaroori nahi hai yeh jaan na ke main SJM hun.”

As he paused for breath she asked, “lekin tum toh relationship me the na uske saath?”

He nodded, “haan… mere side se toh kuch mahine me woh sexual arrangement me relationship me convert ho gaya tha. Main attraction was the stability… Kisike saath dinner karna aur phir usike saath time spend karna, phir chahe woh ek friend ke apartment me hi kyun na ho. Uske parents ko hamare baare me pata nahi tha so main samjahta tha jab woh kehti thi ke usko ghar jaana padega isiliye woh puri raat nahi beeta sakti mere saath. Kya farq padta tha… Girlfriend toh ban gait hi na meri woh… Usko shopping karwane le jaata tha, bade restaurants me date nights, random kisses… sab kuch… Ek baar phir relationship ka idea achcha lagne laga tha isiliye usko propose karneka socha… Socha ke woh haan karde phir uske parents ko bhi mana lunga… SJM hun… Kaabil hun, achcha kamata hun, aur achcha dikhta bhi hun… Ring kharidi sabse mehengi wali aur usko propose karne gaya. Lekin woh mujhpe hasne lagi. She said I was a fool jo socha ke ek saal ho gaya toh ab lifetime saath ho sakte hai. It was just sex for her… Woh bhi exclusive nahi… She let me know that she had been with multiple men behind my back. Mere business trips aur busy lifestyle was the reason, she said. Aur yeh bhi bataya ke uska mujhse second time milna bhi coincidence nahi, uska plan tha. Usko kahin se pata chal gaya tha ke main SJM hun, isiliye woh wapas party me mujhse mili, aur third time coffee shop me bhi. Sab uska plan tha… Main girlfriend samajhke usko gifts dene laga the… Wahi chahiye tha usko… Mehenge gifts aur mehengi jagah pe khane jaana… She was only interested in my body and my money… That’s all… Aur main bewakuf samajh raha tha ke finally koi hai jisko mujhme genuine interest hai… Phir aage kya hua yeh toh tumko pata hi hai… Ek baar phir muh ki khai… Ek baar phir kisine mujhe ehsaas dila diya ke I am not capable of being loved, that I am just a trash that can be used and discarded. Main toh tut hi gaya tha uss din… Nanu se kuch keh nahi sakta tha kyunki unko meri lifestyle ke baare me kuch pata nahi tha, aur batau bhi toh kaise… How to talk about sex to my grandfather… Munna aur Pandit apni alag zindagi me khush the… Happily married aur main awara bhanvre ki tarah ek ladki se dusri ladki. Akela pad gaya tha phirse uss din aur iss baar himmat nahi thi sab kuch bhulakar phirse aage badhne ki, phirse khud ko sambhalneki… Agar tum na mili hoti mujhe toh Sameer aaj shayad zinda nahi hota…”

She immediately straightened, clapping a hand over his mouth, her tearful eyes narrowed in annoyance, “kuch bhi bolte rehte ho… pehle bhi bola tha na ke marne ki baate mat karna… You have promised me ke kabhi mujhe chodke nahi jaoge…”

He grabbed the hand covering his mouth and kissed the inside of her palm, “nahi jaunga kabhi bhi tumhe chodke… jaa hi nahi sakta… main toh sirf uss din ka scenario bata raha tha in case tumne mujhe sambhala nahi hota toh. Tumhe pata hai uss raat ki konsi yaad mujhe sabse zyada himmat deti hai?”

She tilted her head, thinking about it, “sab hi special tha mere liye toh.”

He smiled, “mere liye bhi sweetheart… you let me be your first, that was so special… tumhara mujhpe uss raat bharosa karna… ek baar nahi, baar baar… sab special tha… lekin sabse special tha jab tumne mujhe yahan, mere forehead pe kiss kiya”, he said pointing to his own forehead.

She was confused, “usme aisa kya special tha?”

He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, “uss moment ne mujhe aisa feel karwaya ke tumko meri fikar hai… you care for me… and that maybe I am wrong about myself… that I can be loved by someone. Ab tak jab bhi dukhi hota hun ya kisi cheez se upset hota hun wahi pal yaad kar leta hun aur pata nahi kahan se himmat aa jaati hai.”

She kept gazing at him, astonished at his confession. Kissing him like that had been on impulse. Of course, she had cared for him that night, even loved him… But the gesture hadn’t been planned. Her heart had driven her to do that… Many girls might have kissed him on his lips, but she had kissed him on his forehead as a gesture of love, care and acceptance. Maybe that was why it was so special for him.

Driven by another impulse of her heart, she looped an arm around his neck to tug his head down and stretched up slightly, brushing another tender kiss on his forehead, lingering for a few seconds. His eyes fell shut at the affection she bestowed on his and his hands tightened around her waist. “I love you”, the words escaped his lips in a soft whoosh as if he couldn’t contain them in his heart and had to let it out. She smiled leaning on his chest, basking in the moment.

After a few minutes she straightened once more, looking into his eyes, “mera sab samaan yahan shift kare?”

His lips curved in a wide smile, “haan… pehle kuch kha lete hai phir shift kar lenge. Aur dressing room me mirror wala cabinet hai lekin bethne ki jagah nahi hai… Aaj shaam ko hi hum dono chalke shop me dekh aayenge koi achcha wala dressing table… Mujhe idea nahi hai kaisa chahiye hota hai ladkiyo ko par tum dekh lena tumhe kuch pasand aata hai toh warna carpenter ko bulvake custom wala banva lenge.”

She liked that idea very much and nodded in agreement, and then voiced one more wish, “Sameer… main jaanti tum bhagwan pe vishwas nahi karte lekin agar tumhe bura na lage toh kya hum ek chota sa mandir laa sakte hai?”

He immediately agreed, “main kaha tha na tumse… mujhe tumhare vishwas pe vishwas hai… mandir bhi dekh lenge shop se… kaisa chahiye tumhe? Wood ya marble? Ahmedabad wale ghar me marble ka bada wala hai. Rakhenge kahan yeh socha hai?”

“Mujhe zyada bada nahi chahiye”, she informed happily, “main soch rahi thi chota wala laake kitchen me rakh lungi.”

He frowned, “kitchen me kyun? Ek room ko convert kar denge… Puja room jaisa.”

She laughed softly, “nahi Sameer… bedrooms bahot bade bade hai… koi matlab nahi hai usko puja room me convert karke. Aur ab jaise Nanu aane wale hai, future me koi aur bhi aaya toh guest rooms toh chahiyenge na.”

He pursed his lips in thought for a moment, unable to imagine people coming over to live with them. Suddenly his eyes brightened, “ek room hai aur… aao mere saath.”

He helped her slide off the bed, and then held her hand taking her out of the room and down the corridor. There was a small common bathroom for general guests to use when they came over for a short time; a window beside that to let the light in, and beyond that on the opposide side was a locked door. She had seen it before but had never asked about it. Now she watched as Sameer pulled out the bunch of keys from his pocket and checked the numbers on it, finding the correct one to unlock it. The door creaked slightly as he opened it, “yeh ek chota room hai… floor plan me store room likha hua tha lekin mujhe kabhi zaroorat nahi padi iski. Kitchen me alag se pantry room hai toh extra jo bhi samaan hota hai wahan rakh deti hai Tai. Yeh room use hi nahi hua kabhi isiliye maine lock karke rakh diya. Kuch sujha hi nahi tha ke kya kar sakta hun iska.”

Naina wandered inside as Sameer opened the curtains from the window to let the sunlight in. It was indeed small and right now, it was completely bare except for a lone carton in one corner and smelled musty. He checked the carton, “khali hai… yaad nahi kis cheez ka hai. Yeh kamra shayad 6×6 hai ya 8×8, yaad nahi exactly. Kaho toh blueprint nikalke check karunga.”

“Uski zaroorat nahi hai”, she smiled happily, “yeh bilkul perfect hai. Khidki se peeche ka garden dikh raha hai matlab east side pe hai… Yahan left side ke corner me mandir rakhenge toh sahi rahega… Ishan kona hai yeh, matlab North-East… Vastu ke hisab se bilkul theek hai. Aur yahan dusri side ek chota cupboard rakhenge, puja ka extra samaan aur bartan vagera rakhne ke liye… Chauki bhi le aayenge. Aur haan… ek stool aur ek chota sa wooden sofa. Nanaji aur Bua-dadi ki umar ho gai hai to hamesha neeche nahi beth sakte.”

Her eyes shone with delight but Sameer’s breath nearly stopped as he asked, “bua-dadi?”

She hadn’t realized what she had uttered in the flow of excitement, and she clapped a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. He dragged in a much-needed deep breath and pulled her in his arms, rubbing her back soothingly, “koi baat nahi… main samajhta hun. Idea bilkul sahi hai tumhara kyunki ek din aisa zaroor aayega jab tumhari bua-dadi bhi tumse milne yahan aayegi.”

She gulped, hoping what he was saying was true but unable to deal with it right now. The fear was still fresh. She diverted the conversation, “khana kha le? Agar itni saari shopping karni hai toh shaam ko jaldi bhi nikalna padega.”

He understood her tactic and went with her wish, “haan chalo… mujhe bhi bhuk lag gai hai.”

Sameer washed up and changed while Naina served their lunch. The conversation over the simple meal was full of plans for their home. Naina mused about planting some vegetables in the backyard while Sameer expressed that he was thinking of adding bookshelves in the study room, as she loved to read. He hesitatingly queried if he could buy some comfortable clothes for her because she would need them as she progressed in her pregnancy. She agreed to this and also asked if they could purchase 2-3 simple cotton sarees before Nanu came over as the ones Sameer had gotten for her previously were all heavy.

After a brief afternoon nap they worked together in shifting Naina’s belongings from the guest room to the main bedroom. Though working together essentially meant that Naina only carried her journal and the small ganesh idol, while Sameer lugged in all her clothes and books. Her cosmetic bag was so small that Sameer commented she needed to buy more stuff otherwise what use would the dresser be, to which Naina chuckled and remembered how she and Preeti used to get excited on seeing colorful bangles at a shop Chachiji often took them to.

The dinner was a simple tomato soup with cheese toasties upon Naina’s demand, but Sameer donned on the chef’s hat and also prepared a side of stir-fried vegetables keeping in mind Naina’s nutritional needs. Dinner was accompanied by a comedy movie that was running on one of the channels, and then Sameer brought out a chocolate to honor the happy occasion of Naina shifting to his bedroom, which he now termed as “their bedroom.” When they lay on the bed and talked about random things that popped in their mind, Naina’s head gently rested on Sameer’s shoulder, their bodies covered with the soft quilt but their hearts were light and eyes alight with happiness, as the threshold of the bedroom seemed to signify another threshold in their relationship that they had crossed together.