Who Can Fix It? Part 1: The Turbulence Within

The sound of resounding slap rang in his ears as Sameer Maheshwari listened to his mother confessing about being in regular touch with Naina. Each word hit him with a force of a brick, and the weight settled deep in his stomach weighing him down with guilt, anguish, regret. His mother’s warm hug provided him relief, calmed his turmoil of many days, but another storm started to rage through him.

He moved out of his mother’s embrace and went up to his room, their room… his and Naina’s. Ever since she had left the whole house seemed unknown to him. Even though he had bought this before their wedding, had stayed here and dreamt of bringing Naina here, all his memories now were only of the time when Naina was already here. Her grihapravesh, her first cooking, the first night in their room, the numerous kisses, the squabbles, the way she would move around… she had a command over the house, over him, over his heart. It wasn’t just the house that felt empty; it was him as well… There seemed to be a gaping hole where his heart was supposed to be… And he felt as if he had no will to move on in life…

What did it matter if mamaji separated him from business? – He never knew business anyway.

What did it matter if Devang was rude to him? – He had never cared for people like him.

What did it matter if he did not have money? – Money had only ever been a means to an end for him

But… what did matter to him was Naina… if he knew anything in his life with utmost perfection that was fulfilling his friendship and loving Naina. She was so much a part of him now that he couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t love her. He didn’t know how to live without loving her.

Yet he had failed… miserably… How could he have raised his hand on her? He stared at his palm that had slapped across her cheek… Oh God… His eyes fell on one of the photographs on the wall from their honeymoon… She was so small, so delicate… He should be protecting her all the time. Hadn’t he himself felt the softness of her cheeks, whenever he had kissed her, or pulled her cheeks… Just the thought of his hard hand cupping her face a little bit harshly was dreadful, and here he had gone ahead and slapped her. Amid all that he also remembered how his seemingly fragile wife had slapped him back immediately, breaking his heart along with him temper a little bit at that time. But he deserved it… if his heart had pained at her words and slap, how must she have felt…

He didn’t know what would have happened if Chachaji hadn’t arrived at the exact same moment forcing them to put up a sham of normalcy. Would they have quarreled more until he would have forced her to leave, or she would have left herself? Or would he have broken down and shared everything in his heart? He paced around the room, thinking, imagining… and somehow knew deep in his heart that no matter what words he had uttered he couldn’t have ever pushed her out of their home, and neither would she have left him in that devastated state. That wasn’t how his Naina was. She would have cursed him, scolded him, hit him… but then she would hold her tears and pain inside and try to understand what was going on with him… she wouldn’t have left him, if she had wanted to do that, she would have done that before… He had been nearly impossible to live with since their wedding… He didn’t know why, but he had kept on feeling that he didn’t know so many things about Naina. He loved the romantic moments he spent with her… well, whatever romance was allowed… But apart from that her habit of messing up the house, wearing weird dresses, constantly nagging about studies and then about money irked him. And for God’s sake who covered sofa sets with plastic? It was as if there were two sides to his Naina, and he wasn’t aware of one before the wedding. But even after all this he would have never chosen to live without her… it was impossible.

So… if they wouldn’t have left each other, then… the only option was that she would have pushed him over the edge and he would have broken down… poured all his troubles in-front of her… It was scary… yet now it seemed to be the most desirable situation. He would have been proved to be a failure in her eyes, no longer the hero who would keep her happy, the dream husband who would fulfill all her dreams, but still… at least this painful separation wouldn’t have been there. But that day… all the turbulence inside him had just bubbled up to the surface. His failure at work since so many days, the constant insults he had had to bear, the taunts and the pain of missing Nanu, the panic of not being able to provide for his wife, the fear of being a loser in-front of a girl who considered him as her hero… All this and more, every insecurity had just erupted to the surface and the only one in his range of vision at that time had been Naina.

After mamaji’s taunts about not valuing care and concern, he had flashed back to what his mother had once told him about not being worthy enough to be loved, about not understanding relationships. He had thought of how he had tried to adjust in Delhi without any success, the non-acceptance from Somanis, his hope of finding a family with mama-mami which hadn’t worked out, his short lived joy of again having his mother at his side and then having to give up that relationship himself. He had also remembered how he had hurt Naina once, and unfortunately for both of them that evening Naina had chosen to speak the exact same things that had been going through his mind… Maybe it was true… Maybe he didn’t know how to value relationships, maybe he didn’t know how to value those who wanted to stay with him, and maybe he was a complete failure in understanding the intricacies of a relationship. .. But still Naina is the only one after Nanu who had chosen to be with him, chosen to believe in him, chosen to trust in him, chosen to love him.

Now he wondered if that party she had planned had truly been for his 60%; he wondered if she had truly dressed to pacify him; if she had actually given him glaring hints to move forward in their relationship. He closed his eyes, his breathing labored as he recalled her sensuous moves, her constant effort to cheer him up, and she had tried… tried so hard to hold on to her calm even after he had started raging. But then he had flipped and uttered that it would good if she didn’t ever return… how could he have said that?

Ho sake toh ek ehsaan karna, kabhi wapas mat aana.

Aaj se hum alag… Hamare raaste alag.

His own words echoed in his hears and his eyes opened in fear… Frantically he looked around, and spotted the dressing table. Something glittered on it, and he walked to see a small golden jhumka lying there… He picked it up, holding it at eye level… Maybe Naina had tried several sets to see what matched the saree she was wearing. God… he missed her so much.

When she had stepped out of their home, he had wanted to run behind her, stop her, scream at her again as to how she could leave him… but he hadn’t done that… Screaming, pleading, running after people, showing how much you were hurting never stopped them… He had learned this when he was five years old. Nothing had stopped his mother from leaving him then, and nothing had stopped her from leaving him again when he was seventeen. He had been so desperate to make her believe that he wasn’t a thief, but the judgement had been passed already, and he could only stand helplessly watch her leave. He had wanted to become of stone, because stones never felt the pain themselves, they would only hurt others. But having Naina in his life had kept him sane…

Everyone used to say that Naina was lucky to have such a handsome boyfriend and then life partner, her family would say he did so much for her… and maybe it was true… but no one except him saw what Naina had done, and kept doing for him. She was his anchor in life when he was nothing but a raging storm, she was his guiding light when he was lost in the maze of life, she was the healing balm that had filled every wound in his heart… she was the touch he craved for… she was the energy that gave him life… she was the destination he always sought… she was every reason of his existence. That day when she had left he had been in a stupor, sitting by the pool, his heart stinging as much as his cheek and his palm, his mind in a state of numbness as he found himself wringing his hands, waiting for Naina to come back and tell him what should he do, what would help him get rid of the pain… He had needed her… The very foundation of his belief that Naina would never leave him had been shaken, and he had known that it was him who had pushed her away, but he had chosen to believe that she was yet another person who had left him.

That was what had stopped him from calling her up… He had always been stubborn, and he had had a considerable size of ego, but he had also always known how to bend and accept when it came to Naina. But this time… it had not just been his ego and stubbornness but combined with that was the dread that if he bent, if he asked her to return, if he showed her that he was missing her then she would have the upper hand and then she could choose to leave him forever. In the party he had instinctively called her so many times, his tone had been normal, and for few moments he had forgotten their quarrel as he had danced with her. He had waited to see her smile… if only she had smiled at him one time maybe he would have crumbled. But then again… if her tears hadn’t made him bow down, how would her smile have done that? He had asked her if she had even tried to find out what had happened to him, he had tried to justify his actions and words, blame her, and had conveniently forgotten that she had known his inner turmoil even before it had bubbled to the peak. Wasn’t that why she had hugged him on the terrace that day? Wasn’t that why she had told him that she would always love him? Had she asked even on that unfortunate day if anything had happened in office? Why had he been such a coward that he hadn’t even been able to share his problems with his wife? Yes, Naina understood him without words, and she had… she had known something was troubling him… but he had expected a freaking miracle of her knowing exactly what was troubling him.

His words, his every action in all those days seemed to go on like a horrible movie in-front of his eyes, and everything boiled down to that one slap that had landed on her cheek. “Naina…”, he choked and dropped on his knees… He had always respected women, he had never raised a finger on any girl, he had sworn to protect Naina, he had claimed that he would destroy anyone who would try and hurt her, he had fought with that miserable mongrel Sharad when he had dared to lift a hand on Naina… yet here he was… he had done what he had always sworn not to… he had hit the girl he had sought to cherish… he had done the unthinkable… Why? Why had he done that? Why had he not apologized immediately? Why had he taken so much time to realize his disgusting behavior with his wife?
Oh God… He needed to go to her…. He needed to apologize… He needed to tell her everything… Somehow he staggered to his feet, but in his haste he bumped against the bed and fell flat on his face. Vishakha entered just at that moment, “Sameer! Kya hua beta tumhe?”

He held on to his mother and stood up, “Naina… mujhe Naina ke paas jaana hai. Abhi.”

“Ruko beta”, Vishakha stopped him, “aise nahi… subah ko aaram se jaana. Abhi aise jaoge toh Naina ke gharwale kya sochenge? Unko thodi na pata hai tum dono ke beech me kya hua hai?”

He closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing… His mother was right. Chachaji and Preeti were not at home, only Chachiji was there… She would be extremely worried if he went up in this condition… not to mention, he didn’t think that he was composed enough to even properly apologize to Naina. Yes… morning certainly seemed a better idea. He opened his eyes and nodded at his mother.

Vishakha led him to his bed, “bahot raat ho gai hai… so jao.”

After his mother left, he picked up Naina’s photo from the bedside table, and held it to his chest, trying to feel her warmth. But all he could feel was eerie silence surrounding him, the uncertainty if Naina would forgive him or not, the remorse that spread through his entire body for having done something he had never thought he was capable of. He tried to convince himself that he was not a bad person, that he was not a monster who had abused his wife, that it was only his anger that had driven him to that point… but no matter whatever he thought, his mind was only filled with the vision of her head swiftly turning sideways with the force of his slap. He let the tears flow hoping it would purge some of his crime… and sheer bleakness pulled him deeper and deeper until he fell asleep.

At the other end in the new Agarwal house, Naina closed the Ramayan paath, and prayed… She wanted to pray for peace, for guidance, but with her eyes closed her vision was filled only with Sameer. The boy, the man who was her life… Until him she had not known what love really meant. For four years they had been in a relationship that had faced every single up and down that was humanely possible. And yet they had been driven by their own dream of being together forever… But now that they indeed were tied in a relationship of forever, they were letting their own insecurities and childishness ruin it. His words had haunted her, but now while she was really reflecting on what had happened between then she figured her words must have seared through his heart… The very same heart that she had vowed to keep happy, to cherish… Even in school as a teenager she had wanted to give him the warmth of love… And now when he had probably needed it the most she had turned away from him. Chachiji was right, it takes two hands to clap. Nobody had taught them to fall in love, it had just happened, and then they had both of them put in extreme efforts to stay in love, to hold that relationship together, to nurture it to the point of marriage. But after marriage, they had both been careless… it was as if they had attained their goal, and now there was nothing more to achieve, so they were slowly letting the relationship fall to pieces.

What scared her the most was Chachiji’s statement about her becoming selfish, and focusing only on herself… was it true? She recalled that once before their wedding when she had been foolish enough to let go of Sameer, he had also said the same thing to him… His anger had shaken her that day, but she had chosen to stay blind, ignore his pain and focus only on what was important for her family and its honor. Yet, it wasn’t her family who fought for her honor when the time had come, it was Sameer… every single time it was him… whether it was to fight Sharad, or to make Chachaji realize his mistake, or to save her from Taiji and her father, or to declare to the world how much he loved and treasured her. He had fought for her, kept her safe, loved her like no one else would ever be able to. And it scared her now to think that she might have not lost that selfish trait after all… What was missing? Perspective… that was the answer. Lord Ram was exiled and many people considered that to be the worst deed of his father who fell in the trap of his evil wife Kaikeyi, but there had had been another perspective to the situation – Ram rajya could only be setup when the ruler would be away from his own kingdom for four years, would live with animals and birds for four years and must live as a saint for six years, making it necessary for Lord Ram to spend 14 years in exile. Kaikeyi who used one boon from King Dashratha to send Ram to exile didn’t spell the demand of 14 years, which would have technically rendered Ram impossible to return as a ruler, but rather demanded ‘Nava Pancha Varshani’, which meant 9 + 5 years, thus making it possible for Ram to return as the rightful king. So… was mother Kaikeyi really fighting to make her own son Bharat a king? Or was she actually helping her proclaimed son Ram to be capable of ruling? No one would probably know the answer for sure, but all that mattered here was perspective.

Wasn’t that what she was exactly missing? She was thinking of events from her own perspective, but what about Sameer? Had she ever tried to think about why he was behaving like he was? Maybe she couldn’t always guess what was happening to him, but she used to try that… didn’t she? When she had fallen in love with him, she had tried to understand him to such an extent that in Mt. Abu even when he had raged at her, asking her to leave, she had somehow understood that his voice had held anger but his eyes had conveyed helplessness. She could always read him so well… Wasn’t that what Sameer also said about her? He would claim that she understood him without him having to speak anything. How had she stopped doing that? If she closed her eyes, and recalled his face now, she could still hear the harshness in his voice, but now she felt that there was something different in his eyes… anger, yes… but a plead too maybe… What had he been pleading for? To understand him… to not give up on him… She didn’t know… Because she had not seen this on that day, she had just seen the superficial scenario, and drowned herself in her own misery.

She need not be strong always… but she needed to be strong when Sameer needed her. What should she now? She stood up and went to her purse, searching for a photograph that was always hidden inside a small zipper. A smile immediately curved her lips on seeing his face… she traced it with her finger hoping she could feel the warmth of his skin. But the paper didn’t provide it. She sighed and whispered, “tumse maafi maangna padega na? Aakhir janna bhi toh hai ke tumhe hua kya tha… Kisne tumko itni chot pahochayi ke tum mujhe iss tarah se baras pade. Kuch toh hua tha uss din… Kaash tum mujhe batate… Kaash main samajh paati.”

Glancing at the clock she sighed once again as it was too late in the night to call him, plus this was not a discussion that she would like to have over the phone. She needed him to be in-front of her… she knew her Sameer… sometimes what her voice wouldn’t do, her touch would… If he was in pain, she needed to share that pain. If he was angry, she needed to find the source of his anger. It was not a question of whether he needed to share his worries or not, she needed to be there, just be with him.

Tomorrow then… she decided… Sameer was her utmost pride, and for him she would let go of every other pride she had. Come hell or high water, she would convince him to share what was in his heart; she would make him believe that there was no way she was ever leaving him; she would fight with him and for him. They had fought the world for their love, and now if needed she would stand by him and fight again, whatever demon it was that he was facing. Tomorrow…