The Oath

HER eyes, he would never forget those eyes as long as he lived. One month had passed since that fateful day and he still woke up sweating and trembling in the middle of the night, an ache in his heart, sharper than a double-edged sword. Sameer turned onn the bedside lamp and checked the time, 4am. Dawn would break soon for the world, but his life was in perpetual darkness, and it seemed so was Naina’s. He had never thought he would see her like this.

Being the cursed child that he was, he had decided to stay far away from Naina. He couldn’t put her life in danger. A sensible decision, it had seemed, and he had followed it. But he had forgotten how determined his delicate looking girlfriend could be. She had applied every trick in the book to make him talk, starting from sitting next to him, dressing up for him, pestering him with tricks, pleading him to speak up. He had resisted, with great difficulty, but he had. Nothing was more important to him than her utmost safety and happiness. And if he was with her she would neither be happy, nor safe. Her life would be destroyed, and he couldn’t let that happen.

Unfortunately for him, she had overheard him talking to Munna and Pandit. He had been frustrated with Naina’s repeated attempts, the latest one being dancing with him for the fresher’s party, and Munna and Pandit had been trying to put some sense in his head. He had ignored them, but he hadn’t been able to ignore Naina’s questions that evening. He had been horrified to know that she knew the reason behind his behaviour, he had turned away from her, but he couldn’t shut out her voice. She had assured him of her love, telling him that if they were together they could face everything, that things like bad luck didn’t exist. A kernel of hope had dared to take root in his heart, and he had furiously crushed it. He had turned to face her, taken her hand and placed it on his own head, and had demanded, “stop loving me, swear on my life.”

She had stilled, yes, that would be the perfect description. One moment she had been full of life, and the next she had been empty, the warmth in her eyes had withdrawn leaving them blank, her face pale in shock, and she had collapsed on her knees in-front of him. He had been scared for a moment, instinctively bending to hold her, but she had raised her hand to stop him. Slowly she had stood up, turned away and left.

The next day when she had entered in class, he had looked up, the daily glimpse of her smiling face had been his oasis, but that day her face had been expressionless. She hadn’t spoken anything in class except answering the roll call. Two weeks had gone by like that, Preeti was furious with him, demanding to know what he had done with Naina. He hadn’t been able to answer her questions. He had observed her daily, he could do that freely because he didn’t have to avoid her anymore. She functioned – coming to the class, studying, eating, doing whatever teachers asked. But she hadn’t smiled even once, hadn’t talked on her own, hadn’t looked at him. It seemed as if someone had taken away his Naina and replaced her with a doll. No, not someone, he had done that.

He had noticed that she stayed away from everything that could possibly remind her of him. She didn’t talk to Munna and Pandit even if they attempted to talk to her. When some girls had been discussing what to wear to the fresher’s party, Kamya had waved a pink top in-front of Naina asking her to wear it, she had flinched and left from there. He recalled he had told her earlier that he loved seeing her in pink. Once in the canteen, she had opened her tiffin box, and then left it uneaten. He had stood up to check the contents, aloo paratha, his favourite.

A week back, when she had been entering the class, her sandal strap had broken, she had held on to the door frame and stood tucking the loose strap. A group of boys were playfully pushing each other in the classroom, and one of them had collided with the door. The door had closed shut, her thumb pinched in the frame. He had seen it and rushed to her, pulling the door open, asking her if she was okay. She had removed her hand from the frame, the nail of her thumb was broken, and blood oozed out. She hadn’t reacted, it was as if she felt no pain, instead she looked at the dripping blood with interest. He hadn’t been able to bear it, he had pulled out his handkerchief and tried to wrap her thumb. She had bore his ministrations for a minute, then pulled off the handkerchief, dropping it to the floor and looked at him, first time in three weeks, and said, “thank you.” He had reeled from the shock of her impassive dull voice, she had addressed him as if she was speaking to a stranger. Preeti and Swati had taken her with them to the medical room, while he had stood there staring at the scattered blood on the floor.

He had picked up the bloody handkerchief, and that evening he had broken down completely. In the silence of his room, he had heard the loud crashing sounds of his shattered life, a life that he had broken with his own hands. All he had wanted was for Naina to be safe and happy. In these three weeks he had realized that she wasn’t, not safe, not happy. The way she was surviving, she would either fall completely ill, or go into depression. Luck? What was the need for good luck or bad luck when he had methodically destroyed her life? He had promised her that he would never let her cry, yet he had. He had promised her that he would never leave her, yet he had. Even after all this, she had been trying consistently to make things right, to sustain their relationship. And what had he done? He had behaved like a complete ass and neglected every single attempt of hers. He had hurt her while she had been trying to heal him. And when he had felt that she would successfully defeat his resolve, he had given her that oath.

It was true, he was cursed. But not because everyone he loved left him. But because every time someone loved him he pushed them away. He didn’t even remember his father, what did it matter how he died, he was gone. He had been so small then that he didn’t even have any memories. He had repeatedly berated his mother’s attempts to come close to him, and then had blamed her for it. Maybe she had been at fault, but so had been him. Nanu had taught him to live life honestly, completely, and he had wished for him to be with Naina even with his dying breath. He had even conveniently forgotten all of that.

He had taken the life he had been gifted with and twisted it with his foolishness. But that was enough. No more, he had decided. Conveniently he had decided that he would talk to Naina the next day and resolve everything. He had dressed up excitedly, wishfully thinking that everything would be back on track that day, and his Naina would be back with him. He had sat next to her, even after objections from Preeti and Swati. The whole day he had talked to her, repeatedly telling her his story, how foolish he had been, how he wanted to change back everything. She hadn’t reacted, not even one glance at him.

For the entire week he had been doing this. Sitting with her in class, in canteen, talking to her, trying to make her talk. He had held her hand, and his heart had nearly stopped beating. Where once she would fold her fingers over his, clasping his hand tight, this time she hadn’t. She hadn’t pulled back her hand, but neither had she held his hand. Her icy fingers nestled within his warm palm, but it didn’t affect her at all. Every single attempt of his met with a blank wall.

The sky lightened outside, and he walked up to the window, praying to God to help him, to show him some way. He knew what he had done, but he needed to change it now. He had seen raging fire in her eyes when she had argued with him head-to-head in the pouring rain. He had seen the cutting ice in her eyes, when he had attempted to apologize for breaking her heart. But this lack of expression was haunting him, killing him, shredding his insides. He had done this to her, and he didn’t know how to heal it this time.

He firmly built up his determination. If Naina had not given up her attempts, even he wouldn’t. He stepped in the class, and again sat next to her, immediately holding her hand. He talked to her, futilely. During the break, in canteen he tried to feed her, she stood up and left. Later the accounts professor asked him stay back after college, he needed some help. This gave him some hope. He asked Preeti to let Naina stay back with him, she looked at him as if he had lost his mind. He assured her that he would take care of her sister, and then drop her at home safely. He begged for a chance, and she finally relented. When she told Naina about it, she was met with a blank stare, she sighed, and told him that if anything happened to Naina she would kill him. He thought, she wouldn’t have to make the effort.

After everyone left, he grabbed Naina’s hand and told her that they would have to go to the activity hall, she followed him like a puppet. There were a few benches lined along the wall, and a table at the far end, the remaining space was empty. It was here they had practiced for the fresher’s party dance, how he wished he had given up his stubbornness at that time. He missed her smile, he missed the spark in her eyes, he missed the joy in her voice.

After finishing the assigned task, he gathered the papers and looked at Naina, “I am just going to keep this back in the class cupboard, you stay here.” As usual there was no reaction, she kept looking at the book in her lap, he wasn’t even sure she was reading it. He had chosen to sit and work in the activity hall, because it was spacious with sunlight pouring in from the wide windows, and the tape recorder was still there, maybe he could lure her to react with some music. When he came back, he closed the door, and turned to see her tearing off papers into the smallest bits possible. She was gazing into the distance, her hands working automatically. Curious, he shifted towards her to check what she was tearing. When he saw it, he inhaled sharply, feeling as if she was tearing his heart. It was her notebook, the one in which she would keep writing, ‘I love you Sameer’, and show him during the classes. At that time, even though his spirits had lifted, he hadn’t reacted to her gestures. And now she was tearing the pages as if it didn’t mean anything to her, or maybe the person didn’t mean anything to her anymore. Had he lost her forever? No. He couldn’t.

He sat down beside her, took the notebook, “stop it Naina.” He held her hands, “look at me, please, it’s me”, he pleaded, “your Sameer.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, cupping her face, trying to make her look at him. Tears gathered in his eyes, as he met her blank gaze. He shook her, begging for forgiveness, asking her to say something. Feeling utterly helpless, crying, he finally uttered miserably, “break it Naina, break the oath.” She lifted her eyes to look at him, and he broke, he pulled her close to him and pressed his mouth to hers, kissing her. She didn’t react for a couple of seconds, then she gasped, shuddered. She wrenched her mouth away from his and slapped him.

The slap was hard enough to sting the skin of his cheek, yet he didn’t lift his hand to soothe it. He looked at her, seeing colour fill her face, her eyes were no longer blank, a storm was brewing in them. She took deep fast breaths, her body trembling, and she slapped him again. He almost smiled. She stood up, raking her fingers through her hair, and paced the hall. He stood up too but didn’t say anything. He knew she wouldn’t let him off the hook easily. She reached the far end and placed her hands on the table, leaning, after a minute she threw back her head and screamed. The sound rough and strained with unshed tears, it sliced through his skin, more effectively than a knife would have.

Furious she turned to look at him, picked up the duster and threw it, he didn’t move, and it hit him on his chest. She cursed him, “you stupid. Idiot. Jerk. Imbecile. Jackass. Moron. Fool.”, each word was punctuated with whatever things she could find and throw at him. He didn’t try to duck at all, and finally she faltered, crying, sobs tearing out of her. He quickly moved towards her, and pulled her to him, she was still furious, and she fought with him to free herself. The more she struggled, the more tightly he held her, sitting on the floor, with her on his lap. He gathered her against him, tightening his arms around her, not letting her go, he tucked her face in the crook of his neck, trying to pull her as close as possible. She sank her teeth on his shoulders, stifling her sobs, and held on, he jerked and hissed through his teeth, then sat without reacting. If he had been man enough to decide about their relationship on his own, he would be man enough now to bear whatever pain she wanted to give him.

He didn’t know how long he sat there like that, holding her trembling crying form in his arms, and he didn’t care, he could have sat there for eternity. Finally, she lifted her head, turned her face to place her cheek on his shoulder, “how could you?”, she asked.

He understood, she didn’t need to elaborate, “I am sorry Naina. I was scared.” He rubbed her back, trying to calm her, “I thought you would leave me forever, like Nanu and my father. I couldn’t think of any other way of making you understand.”

She took a deep breath, “didn’t you know that I cannot breathe without loving you? I would have died anyway.”

“Shut up!”, he fisted his hands in her hair, pulling her back, “don’t even say things like that.”

Her eyes flashed, “and you could say anything you want. Isn’t it?”

His face crumbled, “I am sorry”, he repeated over and over, “I know its not enough, I am ready to do anything you say.”

She considered him thoughtfully, “anything?” He nodded.

“Would you leave me?”, she asked. He frowned, “never”, he tightened his hold.

A tiny smile appeared on her face, “but you just said you would do anything I say.”

“Anything but that”, he growled.

She looked in his eyes, “do you love me?” He nodded. “Say it”, she demanded.

He leaned, touching his forehead to hers, “I love you Naina.”

Her smile widened, “I love you too Sameer”, she cupped his face, “now kiss me.”

He obeyed, covering her mouth with his. After all he had promised he would do anything she said.