The Darkest Night

The curtain of darkness seemed to be impregnable, the lights seemed to have turned out forever, and there was this gaping hole inside his heart that he felt would consume his whole being. He had done the unthinkable. After fighting for all these years to have his mother by his side he had today let go off her. He had been on his knees out of desperation, begging his step-father to accept his mother; he had said and believed that his mother needed her family more than him.

Sameer Maheshwari was never Vishakha Somani’s family – the knowledge had been there inside him since a long time, that is why he had fought so hard and so much to be back into his mother’s family. But he had failed… For his mother’s happiness he had had to let go off her today. Just speaking those words out had almost cut his heart into two. When his mother had hugged him, he had not clutched onto her despite knowing that it was probably the last time, he had already started to build a wall around his heart. He had not even noticed properly when his mother had hugged Naina and talked to her; he had been trying to control his tears that refused to stop.

Just when he had almost succeeded in building the wall, placing the last brick, Naina had held his hand… And just like that the wall had crumbled. As soon as Vishakha and Mr. Somani had stepped out of the house, and the door had shut with an absolute finality, he had collapsed on his knees, this time out of sheer pain. Soft hands had held him, stroked his shoulder, and he was suddenly enveloped in a warm hug that seemed completely strange in that situation.

Shouldn’t there be blackness? Shouldn’t there be loneliness? That was what he had felt all those years ago when he had been left alone at the hostel. Then why wasn’t it the same this time? Where did this warmth come from?

Blinking his eyes he tried to focus desperately on the source of this unexpected feeling, and a beautiful face draped in pink looked back at him. There was a flash of red in his vision, and his attention was absorbed by the sindur filled on her head. She was saying something, and she was crying, but he didn’t know why. Could she feel his pain? Was she an angel?

“Sameer”, her soft voice shook him, and with a huge gulp of breath he came back to reality. Naina… His wife… His life-partner… His everything. She was holding him, talking to him, crying along with him.

His breathing ragged, he managed to croak, “Naina…”, as if his depended on that single name.

“Utho Sameer”, she helped him stand up. Without even thinking twice he relied on her support, his attention focused on her face, not even bothering to see where she was taking him.

Naina guided him inside their room, the bed with its long strings of flowers supposedly decorated to welcome happiness and love, seemed to mock her. Why did he have to go through so much pain? Her mind flashed back to her own life, the misery of having a father around and yet not having him. And she also recalled how once for her family she had abandoned Sameer. Watching him breakdown today like this, she felt overcome with guilt. Had he suffered just like this thinking that she would never be in his life again? Had he collapsed lifelessly like today? Who had held him? How could she have done that to him? She had known everything about him and his mother, she should have understood him better, but she had failed him at that time.

As she helped him sit on the bed, she resolutely pushed back the past, and tried to focus on the present. Once she had committed the mistake of abandoning Sameer, but this time she knew what she needed to do. Quickly fetching a glass of water from the bedside table, she held it to his lips, asking him to drink. He obeyed her like a small kid, his eyes still glued to her face, as if he couldn’t afford to look away. When she turned back to keep the glass, he abruptly held her hand really tight, as if he thought she was leaving.

She didn’t say anything, just kept the glass on the floor, and climbed onto bed beside him. Pushing back to the edge near the wall, she tugged his hand to make him lie down. With a confused frown, he again obeyed, not sure what the gesture meant. But as soon as his head touched her lap, and she threaded her fingers of the hand he was not holding onto, he felt as if a dam burst inside him. His body shook with sobs as he buried his face in her lap, and she didn’t try to stop him from crying, instead she just kept stroking his hair, his shoulders.

Minutes later or hours later, his sobs subsided, his eyes seemed heavy, no energy left within him. He turned on his back, and stared up at her face, to find her gazing down at him. He didn’t know how long he lay there like that with his head on her lap, staring up at her, and he didn’t realize that each moment filled the bleak hole inside him. However fear again gripped his heart when she shifted his head onto the pillow and tried to get up.

He held her hand again, and whispered hoarsely, “kahan jaa rahi ho?”

Her gaze softened with understanding, “kahin nahi jaa rahi. Bas light bandh kar rahi hun.”

She would have liked to change out of the heavy saree for the night, but she didn’t bother with anything tonight. Switching off the light, she went back to the bed, and sat on the edge careful to sit in a way that he could see her face. She didn’t think that Sameer would be able to bear for her to turn away from him even for a single moment today. She took off her heavy earrings and necklace, but left the mangalsutra around her neck, then dropped the pallu from her head. Sameer didn’t say anything, or do anything, just kept looking at her face bathed in the moonlight from outside.

A small smile curved her lips as she slept beside him, facing him. Another few minutes passed but he didn’t close his eyes, he didn’t know the reason but he was still afraid. She cupped his face with one hand, and leaned forward brushing a soft kiss on his forehead, “so jao Sameer… Main kahin nahi jaa rahi tumhe chodke. Yahin hun, tumhare saath… Hamesha.”

He took a deep breath, and his heavy eye-lids fluttered shut, his hand found hers automatically and she too clasped her fingers around his. She kept looking at him for some time, feeling relieved when his breathing evened out in sleep. A whispered promise floated in the night air, as a wife resolved to give every happiness to her husband from now onwards, and then she too drifted off to sleep. He woke up once during the night, a tinge of fear in his eyes, but it immediately vanished when he saw her face next to her and his hand still securely held in hers… She had kept her promise. She was there for him. And he knew in his heart now that she would be there every night when his eyes closed, and every morning when his eyes opened. In the darkest night, he had found his brightest star.