Only For Him

The darkness consumed the surroundings, the trees only black shapes on the side, the long stretch of road looming empty. Soulless, just like the person ambling slowly, as if he was exhausted. Sameer Maheshwari walked aimlessly, kicking a cold-drink bottle, which clattered on the concrete and rolled to the soft dirt on the roadside. He looked up briefly, hoping to see the bright full moon and twinkling stars that could guide him. However, the sky was blank, covered in a blanket of grey clouds, hiding the sources of nocturnal lights.

He smirked to himself. Was that a surprise? Nothing and no one stayed with him. He looked ahead and spied a raised form at some distance, a dark shape in form of a hill. Must be the one the watchman was talking about, thought Sameer. Having nothing to do, he sighed and continued to walk towards the hill. Why was it that nobody ever accepted him? Was there some fault in him? Or was he cursed to stay alone forever? He couldn’t cry, he wouldn’t cry, he promised himself, and quickly swallowed repeatedly.

The empty road, the bare hill, silent trees, and black sky; everything seemed to mock at him, remind him of his loneliness. He had never wanted to come on this trip. Especially not after what happened back in college, he just wanted to forget everything and go somewhere to probably hibernate. Sameer reached the foot of the small hill, and taking a deep breath, started to climb. The short climb exhausted him, especially because he had skipped dinner. He rubbed his stomach, wishing he had maintained a better control over himself, and had eaten at least a little bit of food.

A small sound caught his attention as he almost reached the flattened top, and he tilted his head, wondering if he had really heard something. There it was again. A sniff or a deep breath. Squinting his eyes, he tried to look through the pitch black, and after a moment or so spotted a small huddled shape. For a minute, he panicked, thinking that someone was committing suicide, and he debated if he should yell or spring forward. But even as he watched, the form shifted and straightened, as if the person was alerted to something. In another few seconds, he heard a gentle melodious voice, “kaun hai?”

A girl. He was extremely surprised. What was a girl doing here at this time? It was well past midnight now. Or maybe she was a witch? Don’t they come out on full moon nights? His overactive mind immediately spun a fantasy of a fair witch, dressed in black, sitting astride on a broomstick, and zooming up to the moon with him seated behind her. The dreamy escape pleased him. He thought he could almost feel the vertigo from the reckless flight.

“Kaun hai wahan?”, she asked again, and a small light blinked on straight onto his face.

A torch, he thought amused. Why hadn’t he thought of bringing one? Just as he opened his mouth to answer back to the girl, he heard her sharp intake of breath, “Sameer?”

His eyes widened, surprised on hearing his own name. God. Was she really a witch? He lifted his hand to shield his eyes from the yellow light, and it immediately swung away, now illuminating the path at his legs. He followed the soft light, feeling as if the girl was leading him to her, and for a moment he wondered if he should really go up to a girl who was sitting in the dark and who knew his name. Yet he moved ahead. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do or anywhere special to go.

As he reached closer, he dared to ask, “kaun ho tum? Aur mera naam kaise pata tumhe?”

She chuckled, “Main Naina… Naina Agarwal.”

“Oh…teacher ki chamchi!”, he exclaimed as recognition dawned.

“Umm… haan wahi”, her voice suddenly sounded dispirited.

Dammit. He must have offended her. Though he wondered what was there to take offence, everyone in the college called her so. Especially after the incident few weeks back, even he should be angry on her. But surprisingly he couldn’t muster enough anger at the moment.

He plopped down beside her, “uhh… sorry. Woh college me sabko aise bolte hue suna tha na.”

She turned off the torch, plunging them in darkness again, and laughed softly, “bol toh aise rahe ho jaise yeh naam tumne nahi rakha?”

“Tumko pata hai?”, he asked surprised.

“Haan”, she replied, and as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw her shrug.

He felt himself flush at the knowledge that she knew it was him who had given her that name. He had never kept names or called someone names. He wasn’t a bully. But he didn’t know why this girl had annoyed him so much that he had christened her with several nicknames like ‘teacher ki chamchi’, ‘padhaku’, ‘chasmish’, and a few other that he hadn’t ever voiced. Ever since the first day of college, it seemed as if she kept appearing wherever he went. He had even thought that she must have been stalking him. After all, it wasn’t unnatural for girls to do strange things around him. It was his charm. The Sameer Maheshwari’s unfailing blinding charm.

He might have obliged her with his attention, but she wasn’t exactly his type, and plus she had just straight up irritated him. On the first day, she had collided with him in the canteen, spilling hot coffee down his front, spoiling the expensive new shirt he had bought specially to create an impression. Two days later, she had smashed her dish of noodles on his favourite t-shirt. Another couple of days after than, she had herself tripped, straight into his arms. It might have been romantic, but given her clumsiness, she had stepped on his foot, making him yell, skid and sprawl in the corridor along with her. And so the saga continued, with small disasters whenever she came in front of him, and since they were in the same class, it was almost a daily event now. Sameer had even stopped counting the number of shirts she had spoiled, with coffee, tea, and every other food item available in the canteen. The day she had coloured his pristine white shirt with the green minty sauce he had positively yelled on her, making her cry, and then later had felt bad about his own behaviour.

She was small in height, barely reaching his shoulders, and wore owlish square spectacles, making her eyes seem larger then they probably were. Her dresses were decent, but nowhere stylish enough for college, and she was completely clumsy. Her hair though, was lustrous, falling in waves till her waist, but as boring as she was, she would always tie them in a bun or braid. Yet he had never thought that she would know he called her names. It was the first time for him, and he was now slightly concerned that she might think of him as bully.

A loud croak from a frog brought him out of his reverie. She hadn’t spoken anything while he sat lost his thoughts. He cleared his throat, “tum iss waqt yahan kya kar rahi ho?”

She replied after a moment, “neend nahi aa rahi thi. Thoda sukoon dhund rahi thi, isiliye yahan aa gai. Yahan kitni shanti hai na?”

He crossed his legs, and looked around, realizing that it was indeed peaceful. But why? The road he was walking on was also empty, but he hadn’t felt peace there. What was different here? He wasn’t even alone anymore. Or was that the reason? “Haan, hai to sahi”, he replied hesitantly.

After another moment, he slowly asked, referring to the excessive teasing she had faced this evening from his gang, “tum aaj shaam jo hua usko leke pareshan ho?”

She shrugged, “yeh toh roz ki baat hai. Aur fir maine tum logo ki complain bhi toh ki thi.”

He felt slightly angry again. Naina had complained against him and a few other students to the college dean, saying that they were practicing for the inter-college dance competition late in the premises at evening after college time. The dean was furious at their audacity to break rules, and had blasted them, almost disqualifying them. But Sameer had convinced him to let them participate, and after much cajoling he had agreed simply because it was a matter of prestige for the college.

He roughly tried to suppress his anger, and asked, “kyun kiya tumne aisa? Tumko apne hi college ki koi fikar nahi?”

She sighed, removing her shawl, and offering it to him, “yeh lo. Ise odhlo. Thand me kaanp rahe ho.”

He frowned, realizing that he was indeed shivering. How did she know? She hadn’t even looked at him since he had sat down. Feeling puzzled, he took the shawl and wrapped it around himself. Instant warmth surrounded him, and with surprise, he realized it was her warmth, because she had wrapped the shawl around herself. Unknowingly he dipped his head, and inhaled deeply, taking her scent into him.

“Main complain karna nahi chahti thi, lekin karna pada”, she confessed.

His brows furrowed in confusion, “kyun?”

She bend her knees, wrapping her arms over them, and placing her chin on it, “kyunki tumhare dost, karthik aur baki sab, plan kar rahe the ke dusri team ka cassette chura lenge aur use kisi aur gaane se badal denge.”

He was shocked, “tumko kaise pata?”

She turned to look at him, “maine suna tha unko baat karte hue. Maine socha sir tum logo ko disqualify kar denge. Par aisa hua nahi, thanks to you. Ab fair competition nahi hoga.”

He scowled, lost in thoughts. Could it be true? Cheating. He hated it. But were his friends capable of doing so? He sighed, thinking that after what he had gotten to know about Kamya, he could believe that they would cheat. “Main pata lagaunga, aur cheating nahi hone dunga”, he assured.

She nodded, then asked suddenly, “waise tum yahan kya kar rahe ho?”

He chuckled, “main bhi sukoon dhund raha tha.”

She was silent for a few minutes, and then gently asked, “Kamya ke wajah se?”

He shrugged, not wanting to delve into the matter further. She hesitantly asked again, “kabse jaante ho use?”

“11th standard se. Same hi class me the hum log”, he answered.

“Tumne propose kiya tha?”, she asked intrigued.

He frowned, “nahi. Kisine kisiko propose nahi kiya.”

She straightened, and even in the darkness, he could tell that she had a confused expression on her face. “Toh fir usko aur Vicky ko leke tum itna udaas kyun ho? Pyaar karte ho Kamya se?”, she asked quickly.

He coughed, wondering how did she know he was sad when even his own friends hadn’t realized. He didn’t even know why he was sharing these things with her, yet he voiced what was bothering him since two weeks, “school se hi hamesha mere saath rehti thi. Mere saath ghumna, mere saath baate karna, aur suddenly ek din mere hi saamne Vicky ko propose kar diya usne.”

She pushed her hair back, as the gentle breeze brought them on her face. And he wondered if she had kept her hair open, she never did. And he also wondered why was he was pouring his heart out to her. Before he could come up with an answer for himself, she queried, “matlab woh tumhari girlfriend thi ya nahi?”

He was slightly annoyed, “mujhe nahi pata. Tumko kya lagta hai? Aur waise bhi tumko kaise itna yakeen hai ke main udaas hun?”

Naina smiled, “mujhe pehle lagta tha ke woh tumhari girlfriend hai, par kuch dino baad kabhi aisa nahi laga. Aur tum udaas ho yeh to tumhare chehre pe dikhta hai. Jab ek hafte pehle maine cold-drink gira di tumpe, tumne mujhe kuch kaha nahi. Bas aankh bandh ki aur chale gaye. Aaj campfire ke saamne Vicky aur Kamya ko dance karte hue dekh apna muh fer liya, dinner bhi nahi kiya. Aur fir yahan aa gaye sukoon dhundne.”

He was surprised. How had she noticed so much about him? He always thought she never looked up from the books or from the ground. Wasn’t that why she kept colliding with him? Out of all the sentences, he focused on what she had spoken first, “tumko aisa kyun laga ke woh meri girlfriend nahi hai?”

She took a moment, then replied, “kyunki maine usko dusre ladko ke saath class me bethte hue dekha, tum usko chodke apne dosto ke saath ghumne chale jaate the, aur fir dance practice me bhi woh hamesha tumhare saath nahi rehti thi.” After a pause she slowly continued, “jitna main tumko jaanti hun, mujhe nahi lagta ke tum apni girlfriend ko kabhi bhi kisi aur ladke ke saath bethne dete ya dance karne dete.”

He was extremely astonished. How did this girl gauge him so perfectly? He knew he was possessive by nature, but it was true he had never felt any kind of possessiveness for Kamya. She had just been with him, around him; a companion. But yes, he realized that Naina was indeed right, if he had ever felt anything for Kamya he wouldn’t have been okay with her spending time with other boys.

“Tum itna kaise jaanti ho mere baare me?”, he asked puzzled.

She laughed, the sound melodious; he felt the breeze around them lift the sound and wrap it around him, dissipating some of the melancholy from his heart. He couldn’t understand why he was sitting there and talking to a girl who had always irritated him.

She tilted her head back, and looked up in the sky, “Sameer, upar dekho.”

He did as she asked and saw that the clouds had disappeared, the sky strewn with bright stars, the big full moon hanging bright and round. It was a beautiful sight. He looked at her face, the starlight played on her features, highlighting the curve of her cheekbones, the twinkle in her eyes, and he saw that she had indeed kept her hair open, which was fluttering in the cool night breeze.

“Bataona, tum inta kaise jaanti ho mere baare me”, he whispered, not knowing why he was speaking like that. He just didn’t want to disturb the tranquil moment. He thought that she hadn’t heard him, and even then he was okay to just sit and look at her face. She turned to him then, and he realized that she wasn’t wearing her glasses. Her eyes were…beautiful. He was taken aback momentarily at his own thoughts. Did he just associate the word beautiful to this girl?

She smiled, “tumko yaad hai trip ke pehle din maine tumhare shirt pe dal gira di thi?”

He laughed at the memory. She had been sitting with her friends eating silently, and he had considered himself safe. But, when he had gotten up to keep his dish, he had turned and bam! She had just refilled her bowl with dal, and all of that had spilled on his shirt. He had gritted his teeth, and furiously told her off, “apni naak kabhi kitabo se bahar nikalogi to samajh aayega ke dal khane ke liye hoti hai, shirt pe girane ke liye nahi.” She had apologized profusely. Funny that he could laugh at the memory now, while that day he had been just angry about it.

He grinned and asked, “tumko bahot darr lagta hai na jab main tumhe daant ta hun?”

She chuckled, and shook her head, “nahi. Lekin main tumse puch rahi thi ke aaj kyun daanta mujhe? Aaj to maine Karthik ke upar chai girai thi.”

He frowned and blurted, “hamesha mujhse takrati ho, mere shirts kharab karti ho, aur aaj uss Karthik se takra gai. Gussa nahi karu toh kya hasu?”

She grinned, “par tumhe to khush hona chahiye na agar tumhare shirts bigadna bandh kardu main toh. Fir aisa kyun ke tumhe gussa aaya?”

As she turned her face up to look at the sky again, he stared at her, mystified. She was right. He should be happy. Yet, he wasn’t. When she had bumped into Karthik he had felt infuriated, as if…as if, how dare she collide with someone else? God. Was he being possessive for her? No, no. That would be madness. How could he feel possessive about colliding with her? That should be just annoying. But, he couldn’t refuse that he had felt… felt bad when she had bumped into someone else apart from him.

She looked at him, “meri naak hamesha kitabo mein nahi hoti. Main dekhti hun, samajhti hun.”

He gazed into her eyes, “sirf mujhe ya kisi aur ko bhi?”

She held his gaze without blinking, “tumko kya lagta hai?” She asked the same question he had asked her. He didn’t know what to answer. He didn’t even know why he was asking this question to her. What did it matter to him if she looked at him or someone else? How did it affect him if she understood him or someone else? Yet, he didn’t know how this girl with whom he had never even talked properly understood him so much. His stomach rumbled, signalling the need for food, and he once again cursed himself for skipping dinner, and that too for Kamya. Suddenly he heard the sounds of polythene bag, and crinkling of aluminium foil, and next moment Naina was holding out a couple of parathas in front of him. Stunned beyond words, he looked at her, and saw her grinning.

“Kha lo”, she commanded, “warna pet me se awaze aati rahegi.”

Dumbfounded by the concern and understanding, he quietly broke off a piece of the cold paratha and put it in his mouth. His eyes closed in relief. After eating half paratha, a thought niggled him and he asked, “tum parathe leke kyun aai ho? Tumko thodi na pata tha ke main yahan aaunga.”

She laughed softly, “nahi. Yeh toh main apne liye laai thi.”

He frowned, “tumne khana nahi khaya?”

She shook her head, “ichcha nahi hui tab.”

He didn’t know what to make of her gesture. She hadn’t eaten dinner, just like him. Why? And if she had brought the food for herself, then why didn’t she eat it all this time? Silently he pushed the foil to her, and when she looked at him in confusion, he gestured her to share. She obliged, and without even speaking a word to each other, they finished the parathas.

Sameer clicked the small button on the side of his watch, and the radium dial lit up to show the time as 4am. It surprised him that he had spent more than two hours with her, and not for a moment did he feel bored or irritated. And it astonished him that he still wanted to talk, he felt this urge to know more about her. So he asked about her school and background, and she replied without hesitation. He got to know about her big family, that she had studied in an Hindi medium school, that Preeti was her cousin, and Swati was her best friend. She also told him about Munna and Pandit, who were her classmates and how Munna and Swati had recently accepted their love for each other. He enquired if Pandit and Preeti were a couple, and she said not yet. He then couldn’t resist asking her, “aur tumhara koi boyfriend? Ya koi pasand hai?”

She looked at him with a funny expression, and asked the same question again, “tumko kya lagta hai?” And again, he didn’t know what to answer.

She let it go, and asked him about his school and family. Usually the word family was enough to turn him into an angry young man, but this time he himself was surprised when he started blabbering about his mother and step-family in Delhi. Even while speaking, a part of his brain couldn’t believe that he was sharing all these details with her.  But he spoke non-stop, and she listened attentively without questioning or judging. When he told her about his Nanu, she smiled, as if she could truly understand how well he bonded with him. Finally, he told her that he had been frustrated ever since Kamya had proposed Vicky, and had felt that no one wanted to stay with him, no one made the effort to know him or understand him. He felt mortified when he felt a lump in his throat at this confession, and he was almost sure that the connection between his brain and tongue had fused, otherwise how could he portray this vulnerable side to a girl he didn’t even know properly. Or did he? Was she still a stranger? Was she ever a stranger? He wondered, what was it about her that he felt so at peace in her company, that he shared everything in his heart, that he still felt sure that she won’t share all this with anyone else ever.

Suddenly he felt a small touch on his arm, and looked down to see her hand. He stared into her eyes, and she smiled, “subah ho rahi hai.”

He looked where she was pointing, and saw that while he was lost in his own thoughts for quite a while, the horizon had lightened and the sky was turning from grey to lightest shades of orange and pink. He tilted his head up, and saw that some of the stars still twinkled and the moon still held its place in the sky, though it seemed less bright. Never in his life had he seen such a sight. Utmost peace was what he felt. He wasn’t thinking about his family, about his friends, about Kamya; he was just completely engrossed in the moment and the girl he was sitting with. Naina – suddenly the name also started to feel familiar and perfect for her.

“Maina aisa nazaara isse pehle kabhi nahi dekha”, he confessed.

They were now able to see the red rim of the rising sun. She stretched her legs, and pulled the sweater tighter around herself, “tumhe pata hai Sameer mujhe suryoday dekhna kyun achcha lagta hai?”

“Kyun?”, he asked, suddenly wanting to know every little detail about her.

“Kyunki, har subah ek nayi ummeed leke aati hai ke aaj ka din beete hue kal se achcha hoga. Ek naya mauka milta hai apni zindagi ko sahi tareeke se jeeneka. Yeh sirf andhere ka chatna nahi hota, balki ek yakeen hota hai ke aisi koi raat nahi hoti jiski subah na ho, thik waise hi aisa koi dukh nahi hota jiske baad khushiyan na ho. Bas bharosa rakhna zaruri hai, aur thoda waqt dena zaruri hai”, she explained and turned to look at him with a smile on her face.

At that moment, the force of the sunrise, her companionship, her simplicity, everything hit him with such a force that he reeled from the impact. Taking a deep breath he tried to analyse what had changed in the last couple of hours that the day seemed brighter, and the plain girl seemed beautiful. He didn’t have an answer, but for once he didn’t need any. He just accepted, and with that acceptance came a joy that arose from within him, and spread to every contour and every cell of his body. He basked in the warmth of the sun, of her, of his own thoughts. He knew that this was one moment in his life that he would never forget, a moment in which he didn’t seek anything, just experienced and accepted.

Sameer took out his camera from his pocket, wanting to try to capture the precious moments. He stood up, and clicked a photo of the rising sun over the distant mountains, the golden light forming a path on the water of the lake that lay at the foot of the hills. But, it wasn’t enough, even the girl was an integral part of this moment. He turned to her, “Naina… agar tumhe aitraaz na ho toh kya main tumhari photo khich sakta hun?”

She grinned, as bright as the rising sun, “haan. Lekin fir main bhi tumhari khichungi.”

He nodded, grinning back at her. And in the next few minutes, he captured, some pictures of her, and she did the same for him. He didn’t know what was so different in this morning that he relished each and every moment of it, and found happiness even in the childish poses she made him struck. At a moment of brainwave, he set the camera on auto mode, and ran to pose with her, slightly apprehensive of her refusal, but she just smiled and accepted him beside her. They laughed, they giggled like kids, their poses not defined by norms, but ruled by heart. She made a sassy comment on his pose, and instead of getting angry, he just joined her in laughing at himself.

When the sun rose bright and full, she finally said, “ab hume wapas jaana chahiye.”

Honestly, he didn’t want to. He wanted to spend more time with her. Her simple blue salwar-kameez, red sweater, homely smile, open hair, bright eyes, everything enchanted him. Something had changed between them last night, and that had changed everything in him. He wanted nothing more than getting to know her even more; somehow, he felt he should know the tiniest detail about her. Suddenly he wished to know what she liked, what she disliked, what made her smile and laugh, what made her angry. And he had no clue why he was feeling like this. It was the first time for him to feel like this for someone else, and it left him stunned.

“Chasmish”, he called playfully, “tum na chasme ke bina bahot achchi dikhti ho.” When she frowned, he hastily added, “mera matlab chasme me bhi cute dikhti ho, par bina chasme ke ekdum mast.”

Her eyes widened for a moment, and then she grinned, “woh mere reading glasses hai, par aadat ho gai hai pehne rakhne ki, zarurat nahi hai.”

He took a step towards her, and then another, wanting to close the gap between them, “ab se mat pehenna hamesha. Aur agar nikalna bhul gai to main nikal dunga.”

She tilted her head considering his statement, “woh kyun?”

“Kyunki tumhari aankho me dekhna achcha lag raha hai mujhe”, he confessed without the slightest hesitation.

Naina smiled and nodded, again accepting without arguing or judging. Her simple acceptance of him, of his words, left him speechless. He was still ogling at her, when she said, “ab chale?”

He nodded, and they started walking back to the hostel together. Not even for once did he think what his friends would think if they saw him with her. There was just something different in being with her, something he hadn’t experienced before, and something he wanted to experience again and again. The empty lonely stretch of road that he had walked on last night, didn’t seem as dreary anymore because she was with her, in fact, it seemed beautiful, with trees stretching along the side of the road. It was pleasant, it was peaceful. And there was that word again – Peace. That’s what he felt when he was with her. And suddenly, he realized that he had started, from being annoyed on her colliding with him, to actually waiting for those moments. He acknowledged that he had kept an eye on her, checking where she was, what she was doing, gauging what was the chance of her bumping into him. His days seemed incomplete without those collisions. And he was now completely sure, that he didn’t like it one bit if she bumped into someone else.

When they were close to the hostel, he slowed down, and blurted, “Naina, tum aaj ke baad mere alawa kisi aur se mat takrana.”

She turned to look at him, surprised, but he held her gaze, trying to make her understand. Finally, after half a minute, she smiled, “thike.”

His lips curved in a grin, as he recalled her words – “aisi koi raat nahi hoti jiski subah na ho.” She was right. Sameer Maheshwari had finally found a morning that gave him hope of something new, that drenched him in happiness, that made him feel accepted. Ironically though, his dawn wasn’t in the sun that shone radiant in the sky, but in the girl standing before him with a beatific smile on her lips, a smile that was only for him.